A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says Do you know your monkey stole my beer. The pianist replies No, but if you hum it, Ill play it.
A blonde decided to buy a jigsaw puzzle and put it together to disprove the stereotype of the dumb blonde. As it turned out, it was so hard that after 3 days she decided to ask her husband for help.
She looks up sadly at her husband and says, Its supposed to be a tiger.
He says, Honey, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box.
One of them said Hey look over here and tell me what you see.
The other one looked over there and said I see beautiful waves crashing down upon the shore, reminding me that life has its ups and downs, but like how the ocean never changes much, my life will be good no matter what happens to me.The first guy said, No, DUDE! Didnt you see that topless girl with nice tits and a belly button ring sunbathing?
How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.
1. Youd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to stay still.
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. Youre convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, Step right up and give it whirl! 8. All day long your motto is, Never again.
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to Good morning, is Shut up!
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for
driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four
frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be
counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to
qualify.
Which Condom would you use….
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you cant stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Arent you glad you use it? Dont you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey–you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Whos next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going …
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha cant have just one.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
[Ed: and the Energizer Condoms are best used inside-out, at which point
they keep coming and coming…]
and the Number 1 Thing You Dont Want to Hear From Tech Support …
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.