Old and New Jokes

What do you call a shed full of black people?

Historic farm tools.

Q: What do you get when you have Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Dolly Parton in the same room?

A: Two big boobs and a country music star.

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitutes terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.

The prostitute snapped back, What do you want to do, knit or fuck?

With one look at his voluptuous new patient, all the gynecologists professional ethnics went right out the window. Instructing her to undress completely, he began to stroke the soft skin of her inner thigh.

Do you know what Im doing? he asked softly.

Checking for any dermatological abnormalities, right?

Right. crooned the doctor, beginning to fondle her breasts and gently pinch her nipples, And now?

Looking for any lumps that might be cancerous.

Right you are, reassured the doctor, placing her feet in the stirrups and entered her. And do you know what Im doing now?

Yup. she said, lookig down.

Catching herpes.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution at best. Im more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American Indians of today dont have enough silver, or gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes, from the lighthouse to the White House.

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: Its your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: Youll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure… go ahead
The wife means: I dont want you to

The wife says: In not upset
The wife means: Of course Im upset you moron

The wife says: Youre … so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief.

One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children.

Well, my son, the chief replied, When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.

For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say – you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising.

And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say – you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over.

So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?

A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, Ill just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away.

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened… not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldnt possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking ministers wife answered, Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and Im sure youll be glad to greet her.

You might be a redneck if…
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.