20
Mar

Air Force One crash lands

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the Presidents staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the mans tractor.

Sir, the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

Did you see this terrible accident happen?

Yep. Sure did. The man muttered unconcernedly.

Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?

Yep.

Were there any survivors? the agent gasped.

Nope. Theys all kilt straight out. The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.

The President of the United States is dead? The agent gulped in disbelief.

Well, the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. He kept a-saying he wasnt … but you know what a liar he is.

20
Mar

Nightmare Final Exam Questions

1. Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using

this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this

exam for you.

2. History: Describe the history of the papacy from its originas to the

present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic,

religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and

Africa. Be brief and concise, yet specific.

3. Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and

given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system

has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the

problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

4. Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of

gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Dont

suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

5. Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginies are

storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language

except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek.

6. Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human

culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with

special attention to the probably effect, if any, on the English

parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

7. Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and

building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build

a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform

are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

8. Music: Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a

clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

9. Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the

emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations

of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and

Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each

mans work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary totranslate.

10. Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at

your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are

two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the

wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as

soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We

feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

11. Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might be

associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test

your theory.

12. Mechanical Engineering: The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been

placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction

manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal

tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel

appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions.

13. Economics: Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have

done to prevent the Great Depression.

14. Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a

straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations

had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

15. Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.

Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects,

if any.

16. Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

17. Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook

paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should

be true to life.

18. Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an

in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics

on science.

19. Metaphysics: Describe in detail the nature of life after death.

Test your hypothesis.

20. Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its

significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

21. General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be specific.

22. Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.

20
Mar

Viagra again.

Questions to Ponder about Viagra

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as assault with a dead weapon.

Viagra, medicines version of MIRACLE-GRO. Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesnt really care where.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise youll get a stiff neck.

A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and theyll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clintons DNA.

**********************************************

VIAGRA CAUSES PANIC ———————— WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) — Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported:

FDA Spokesperson Bonnie Thurston commented, Theres no limit to the damage that this pill could cause. Weve got to make sure it doesnt fall into the wrong hands,like President Clintons, for example, of we could have a potential nuclear mistake.

20
Mar

Two Dead Boys

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced one another,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
The deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and shot the two dead boys.
If you dont believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it, too.

19
Mar

El venezolano no se emborracha:

El venezolano no se emborracha: coge tremenda curda.

El venezolano no saluda: te dice hola chamo.

El venezolano no tiene amigos: tiene panas.

El venezolano no se cae: se da una matada.

El venezolano no se resbala: patina.

El venezolano no espía: vela.

El venezolano no se burla: se caga de la risa.

El venezolano no se enamora: se empepa.

El venezolano no esta despechado: está enguayabado.

El venezolano no se deprime: se agüebonea.

El venezolano no convence: habla paja.

El venezolano no se lanza: se tira.

El venezolano no besuquea: jamonea.

El venezolano no lame: chupa.

El venezolano no te ordena: te manda.

El venezolano no hace pupú: caga.

El venezolano no hace pipí: mea.

El venezolano no mira a las damas: se las bucea.

El venezolano no molesta: jode.

El venezolano no se baña: se echa una agüita.

El venezolano no llena su estomago: se jarta.

El venezolano no se molesta: se arrecha.

El venezolano no te golpea: te da tu coñazo.

El venezolano no se droga: tripea.

El venezolano no tiene amantes: tiene segundo frente.

El venezolano no sufre de diarrea: tiene cagantina.

El venezolano no fracasa: se jode.

El venezolano no sale corriendo: sale mandado.

El venezolano no trepa: se encarama.

El venezolano no toma siestas: echa un sueñito.

El venezolano no se agacha: se baja.

El venezolano no ríe hasta más no poder: se caga de la risa.

El venezolano no se va a su casa: se va pal coño.

Al venezolano no le es difícil: se le pone pelúa la cosa.

El venezolano no va rápido: va como una bala.

El venezolano no corre ligero: va sopláo.

El venezolano no fiestea: boncha.

El venezolano no toma: se echa sus palitos.

El venezolano no está embriagado: está curdo.

El venezolano no es molestoso: es un ladilloso.

El venezolano no es chismoso: es pajuo.

El venezolano no trabaja: chambea.

El venezolano no te da besos: te da unas latas.

El venezolano no entra en acción: se guinda a coñazo limpio.

El venezolano no es listo: es vivo, pila.

El venezolano no pide que lo lleven: pide cola.

El venezolano no juega béisbol: juega pelota.

El venezolano no es un tipo alegre: es de pinga.

El venezolano no es un tipo bueno: es chévere.

El venezolano no se muere: estira la pata.

El venezolano no tiene esposa: tiene la legal.

El venezolano no hace el amor: coge o tira.

El venezolano no hace deberes de casa: cachifea.

El venezolano no es un tipo tremendo: es un jodedor.

El venezolano no hace algo muy bien: se bota.

El venezolano no tiene hijos : tiene carajitos.

El venezolano no es cualquier cosa: es VENEZOLANO y, además, BOLIVARIANO ¡Pa que tú lo sepas!

19
Mar

Manolo ingresa a las tropas

Manolo ingresa a las tropas especiales del ejército. Todas las pruebas de actitud física las pasa con relativa facilidad pues es un hombre muy fuerte; pero en las tropas especiales también hacen pruebas de intelecto, cuando llega su turno le pregunta el sargento:

A ver, Manolo, si quedas separado de la unidad y tienes que valerte por ti solo, ¿qué es lo primero que harías?

Pues lo primero que haría, mi sargento, es buscar agua, pues sin comer puedo aguantar un tiempo, pero de sed se puede morir uno muy rápido. Así que buscaría un río o una laguna para proveerme de agua.

¿Y la tomas así o la purificas?

Bueno, pues la hiervo primero.

Muy bien, Manolo. A ver, ¿a cuántos grados hierve el agua?

Pues a 90 grados, sargento.

Pues no, Manolo, revisa el manual y verás que el agua hierve a 100 grados.

Apenado, Manolo revisa el manual y dice para si:

¡Qué bruto soy, el sargento tiene razón, lo que hierve a 90 grados es el ángulo recto!

19
Mar

Microsoft to the Rescue

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.



The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.



People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.



The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.



After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position.



The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.


19
Mar

Hofstadters Law: It always

Hofstadters Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadters Law into account.

19
Mar

There is a family of

There is a family of ducks walking along the road, when all of the sudden
a car swerves and kills all but one baby. Realizing that he doesnt yet
know what he is, he wanders around looking for some answers. He sees a
family of skunks walking in the same area as his family was, and what do
you know a car killed all but one of the babies too. So the baby duck goes
up to the baby skunk and says Do you know what I am?

The skunk says Well youre yellow, you have a beak, webbed feet, and
feathers, so you must be a duck. Do you know what I am?

The duck says Well youre not quite white, not quite black, you smell like
shit, so you must be a Mexican.

19
Mar

The Bargain

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have
companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to
see Adam and says to him, Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg.Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, What could I get for a rib?