Psychologists havediscovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight intotheir personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eatingOreos: 1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I dont have a favorite way because I dont like Oreos.Your Personality: 1. The whole thing – this means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children. 2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but thats OK, not to worry, youre normal. 3. Slow and Methodical. You follow the rules. Youre very tidy and orderly. Youre very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the Point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if youre only going to go the speed limit 4. Feverish Nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good. 5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations in to good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction. 6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal,behavior. 7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But thats OK, you dont care, you got yours. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain. 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help- immediately. 10. I dont have a favorite way, I dont like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. Theres just no pleasing you.
Change, change, change… Thats all well have in our pockets if Bill Clinton is elected president. — George Bush
A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..
STOP pal – I dont allow talk about politics in my bar! interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the guy tried again, People say about the Pope …
NO religion talk, either, the bartender cuts in.
One more try to break the boredom… I thought the Yankees would…
NO sports talk…Thats how fights start in bars! the barman said.
Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?
Sure, that we can talk about, replies the barkeep.
GREAT… GO SCREW YOURSELF!
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, God, weve decided that we no longer need you. Were to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why dont you just go on and get lost.
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, Very well, how about this, lets say we have a man making contest.
To which the scientist replied, OK, great!
But God added, Now, were going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.
The scientist said, Sure, no problem and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathersaround. A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of anykind. A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age.
Mr. Policeman, says the man, Im not a priest. Im not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now Ive been living behind St. Elizabeths Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night Im listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort tothis man.
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay.
He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice:B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72…
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesnt want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldnt have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didnt know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.Well, you really tied one on last night, she said. Whered you go?I worked late, he said, and I stopped off for a couple of beers.A couple of beers? Thats a laugh, she replied. You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?Well, she replied, my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.
On a bus station, an old lady got into a bus and said to the driver, Sonny boy, I think Im going to fall asleep during this long bus ride. Can you wake me up when we get to New York? The Driver replied, Sure
thing. But later he forgot all about the old lady and only when he went 3 hours past New york he remembered that he had to wake her up. He felt
really sorry for the old lady so he decided to go all the way back to New York and wake up the old lady and pretend like nothing happend. Even when all the other passengers disagreed the driver didnt change his mind.Finally when they got to New York. He woke up the old lady and the old lady got up, looked inside her bag, took out a pill and ate it. Then she said, Thank you sonny boy! I always forget to take my medication in
time! and went back to sleep again.
How to make shopping fun for men…
Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they arent looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone, I think we have a code 3 in housewares, and see what happens.
5. Put a box of Smarties on lay-away.
6. Move CAUTION: WET FLOOR signs to carpetted areas.
7. Set up a tent in the sports section; tell others youll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask Why wont you people leave me alone?
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the sports section, ask the clerk if the gun comes with anti-depressant prescriptions?
11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say PICK ME! PICK ME!
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, NO! NO! Make the voices go away!
15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, Hey were out of toilet paper in here!
So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says, Sorry, bud,
you need a tie for this place. Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages
around, but theres no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he
takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and
lets the ends dangle free. Back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says
Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But dont start anything.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Razor!
Razor who?
Razor hands, this is a stick up!