A Belgian walked through the forest when he heard a cry for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.
My first wish the Belgian said, is a bottle of beer that will never be empty.
And flash, there was the bottle. The Belgian opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. The Belgian was very happy.
What is your second wish ?, the dwarf asked.
The Belgian replied: I want another bottle
Why did the blonde scale the chain-linked fence?
Una maestra mexicana fanática de las chivas pregunta a sus alumnos quien le va a las chivas y todos los niños por miedo levantan la mano, menos Pepito.
La maestra le pregunta: ¿Tú a quien le vas, Pepito?
Al América.
¿Por qué?
Porque mi papá le va al América, mi mamá también y toda mi familia también.
Y si tu papá fuera un homosexual, tu mamá una prostituta y toda tu familia fueran rateros, ¿tú que serÃas?
Y Pepito responde:
¡Seguramente chivista!
An overly-sexed young man, who had an erection at the slightest provocation, went to a doctor for medical advice. The doctor suggested that he tape the organ to his leg. Shortly thereafter, the doctor received a call from the man who complained bitterly that the doctor had been the cause of his girlfriend leaving him, as well as possible criminal charges being filed. The doctor, mystified, asked the young man to explain.
The man said that he and his girl were walking down the street, and that she had spotted a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk, skipped ahead to pick it up, bent over at the waist, and he promptly booted her with his foot right in her butt.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isnt looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday well look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days youre the pigeon, and some days youre the statue.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isnt there the 1st time you need him, chances are you wont be needing him again.
I dont have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I dont suffer from stress. Im a carrier.
Youre slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody elses weirdo.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.The trees are whistling for the dogs.The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.Hot water now comes out of both taps.You can make sun tea instantly.You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.You actually burn your hand opening the car door.You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Farmer smith was not satisfied with the yield of his milk cows, so he decided to called in an animal psychologist, an engineer and a physicist to try and improve matters. All three inspected the farm and the cows and made there recommendations.
The animal psychologist went first, If you paint the milking shed green the cows will be happier and happy cows will give more milk.
Then came the turn of the engineer. If you narrow the milking stalls by 10 centimetres you will be able to add an extra stall and thus be able to milk an extra cow in the same time.
Farmer Smith was very happy so far, now it came to the turn of the physicist. He got out a black board and started drawing an elaberate diagram. Then he started to talk:
First, consider the Cow as a sphere, radius r.
You probably have to have studied physics to get the joke!
You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.
You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
All the traffic is tied up all over LA and the man got out of his car to try to find out why he wasnt moving…its OJ again he was told…. he is sitting in the middle of the highway and threatening to set himself on fire because he says he cant afford to pay all that money he was ordered to pay.
Well what is being done about it the man asked ..to which the other man replied we are taking up a collection….how much do you have he asked.
Ive got 3 gallons the other man replied.