Old and New Jokes

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that hed been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. I cant walk around like this!!

Sir, the doctor said, there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.

A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, no one was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased mans blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.

Excuse me, sir, said the policeman.

Do you know anything about this at all?

No, constable, said the man.

Well, we cant figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughters swollen abdomen.



It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, Gimme a break, lady!

Your daughter is pregnant!



The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.



The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.



The mother became enraged and screamed, Quit looking out the window! Arent you paying attention to me?



Yes, of course I am paying attention, maam. Its just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.



I was hoping theyd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!

PCMCIA People Cant Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms





ISDN It Still Does Nothing





APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity





SCSI System Cant See It





DOS Defective Operating System





BASIC Bills Attempt to Seize Industry Control





IBM I Blame Microsoft





DEC Do Expect Cuts





CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months





OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.





WWW World Wide Wait





MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs





PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of



Mathematics





COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language





AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction





LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis





MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed





WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System





GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out





MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for)



Fools (&) Teenagers.

How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?

Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.

Susie Lee fell in love.

She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy bout it all,

she told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie Gal,

youll have to find another.

Id just as soon yo maw dont know,

but Joe is yo half-brother.

So Susie forgot about her Joe

and planned to marry Will.

But, after telling Pappy this,

he said, Theres trouble still.

You cant marry Will, my gal,

and please dont tell yo mother,

cause Will and Joe and several mo

I know is yo half-brother.

But Mama knew and said Honey Child,

Do what makes yo happy.

Marry Will or marry Joe,

you aint no kin to Pappy!

According to local personality Doug Mulray, the first thing Bill Clinton
did when he arrived in the White House was to phone up all the women
who refused to go out with him in college, and ask:

… and what does your husband do for a living?

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like.

Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe: I cant believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?

Max: Well, its great, but Ive got good news, and Ive got bad news … The good news is that theres a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, were playing Scheherezade, your favorite piece, tomorrow night!

Abe: So whats the bad news?

Max: Well, youre booked to play the solo!

If operating systems were beer

DOS Beer:

Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after its no longer available.

Mac Beer:

At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a light beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that you dont need to know. A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:

The worlds most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:

Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans wont explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:

The can looks a lot like Mac Beers can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:

Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beers, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beers – after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an industrial strength beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:

Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:

The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didnt understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasnt changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:

Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, youre told that its proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.



Bobby looked up and replied, Well, Ms Smith, you cant say you werent warned.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.

Then why are you so sad? her mother asked.

Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesnt even believe theres a hell.

Her mother replied, Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, well show him how wrong he is.