Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the difference between Clintons health care plan and a kidney stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.

This guy decides hes going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldnt have to keep using your bra. He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldnt have to keep using your girdle. Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldnt need to keep sleeping with your brother.

Una niñita llega a casa llorando y su madre le pregunta:

Pero hija, ¿qué te pasa?

Es que en la clase de educación sexual nos han dicho que los niños nacen por donde se mete el pene.

Si hija, pero eso no es para llorar, ¿no?

Es que tengo miedo de que al nacer el hijo de Jaimito, me rompa los dientes.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. I would like to buy this TV, she told the salesman. Sorry, we dont sell to blondes, he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman I would like to buy this TV. Sorry, we dont sell to blondes, he replied. Darn, he recognized me, she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. I would like to buy this TV. Sorry, we dont sell to blondes, he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed How do you know Im a blonde? Because, he replied, thats a microwave.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes?

A: Because theyre simple, easy and they taste good.

A traveller and his wife leave their hotel room and go to the lobby to check out. The traveller puts down a $50 bill and asks for a receipt. The clerk says that his total bill is $75. The traveller explains that the sign advertises all rooms $50/night, tax included. He insisted that his bill is only $50 since he didnt make any telephone calls, didnt charge anything in the restaurant and didnt use the mini bar. The clerk advised that its for the food that comes with every room.

But we didnt consume any of the food, said the traveller.

Well thats too bad. It was there and we charge for it, said the clerk.

Well then, you owe $75, said the traveller.

What for? said the clerk.

For screwing my wife last night, said the traveller.

The clerk explained that he didnt touch his wife.

Well to bad, she was there!

www

Scary, isnt it! 🙂

Drug dealersSoftware developers
Stick, Rock, Dime bag, ESCSI, RTFM, Java, ISDN
StashCache
Hit (LSD)Hit (WWW)
SourceSource code
Refer to their clients as usersRefer to their clients as users
The first ones free!Download a free trial version…
Have important South-EastAsian connections (to help move the stuff)Have important South-EastAsian connections (to help debug the code)
Realize that theres tons of cash in the 14 to 25 year-old marketRealize that theres tons of cash in the 14 to 25 year-old market
Job is assisted by the industrys producing newer, more potent productJob is assisted by the industrys producing newer, more potent product
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlersOften seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists
When things go wrong, a fix is just a phone call away but may be expensiveWhen things go wrong, a fix is just a phone call away but may be expensive
A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagersA lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers
Their product causes unhealthy addictionsDOOM. Quake. SimCity, duke Nukem 3D. Nuff said
Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on youDamn! Damn! DAMN!!!

A walk

I havent sold one tractor all month, a tractor salesman tells his friend.

Thats nothing compared to my problem, his buddy replies.

I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters.

Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters.

I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters.

Then my wife comes walking in and Ill tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, Ill buy a tractor off ya.