A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver wont stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring He replies:
I have a question to ask you, but I dont want to offend you
She answers, My son, you cannot offend me When youre as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. Im sure that theres nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
Well, Ive always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me. She responds,
Well, lets see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic. The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, Im single and Catholic!
OK the nun says. Pull into the next alley. The nun fulfils the cab
drivers fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?
Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, Im married and Im Jewish. The nun says, Thats OK. My name is Eric and Im going to a Halloween party
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys
Diatonic is a low-calorie Schwepps.
Agitato is your state of mind when your hand slips in the middle of a piece.
Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large – number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in the attic.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he would be celebrating the 165th anniversary of his death?
And of course these greatest hits – Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, and Gershwins Rap City in Blue. And Tchaikovskys Cracknutter Suite, of course.
Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings attached.
The principle singer of 19th century opera was called pre-madonna.
At one time, singers had to use musicians to accompany them. Since synthesizers came along, singers can now play with themselves.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We dont know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
An oboe is an American tramp.
The correct way to find the key of a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
Estaba Jaimito en su clase de arte, cuando en eso le tocaba salir a exponer su trabajo, y la maestra lo llama al frente.
Jaimito va y entonces confiesa a todos que no habÃa hecho nada, pero dice que preparo un acto de magia y la maestra acepta.
Maestra, tráigame una carpeta y siéntese usted en ella, dice jaimito.
Bueno, responde la maestra.
Ya, cierre los ojos y ponga las manos debajo de la crapeta igual que yo, ordena Jaimito.
Ya, está bien, dice la maestra.
Ok, tómeme un dedito, dice jaimito.
Ya.
Entonces Jaimito levanta las dos manos y exclama:
¡Magia!
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.
I want to go to McDonalds and think that its a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summers day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didnt bother you, because you didnt know what you didnt know and you didnt care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I dont want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So….heres my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, youll have to catch me first, cause, Tag! Youre It!
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bobs voice from beyond.
Bob, Is that you? Earl asked.
Of course it me, Bob replied.
This is unbelievable! Earl exclaimed. So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?
Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?
Tell me the good news first.
Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.
Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?
Youre pitching tomorrow night.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
168. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of
cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard
cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Sorry i shouldnt be making fun of black people so much ya know, i have black in my family tree and all. Yep there still hanging there to this day
Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.
An Israeli and an Arab tank collide. The Arabs run out shouting: I surrender, I surrender! The Israelis run out shouting: Whiplash, whiplash!