Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks Have you got the time?

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. Its a quarter to six, he says.



Hey, thats a pretty fancy watch! exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.



Yeah, its not bad. Check this out – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.



He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says The time is eleven til six in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues Ive put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.



The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. Thats not all, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, explains Jake.



View recede ten, Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.



I want to buy this watch! says the stranger.



Oh, no, its not ready for sale yet; Im still working out the bugs, says the inventor.



But look at this, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far says Jake.



Ive got to have this watch!, says the stranger.



No, you dont understand; its not ready –



Ill give you $1000 for it!



Oh, no, Ive already spent more than –



Ill give you $5000 for it!



But its just not –



Ill give you $15,000 for it! And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.



Jake stops to think. Hes only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.



Jake abruptly makes his decision. OK, he says, and peels off the watch.



They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.



Hey, wait a minute, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases hed been trying to wrestle through the bus station. Dont forget your batteries.

Q:Whats a chicken in a hot tub?

A:Soup

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever youre wrong, admit it,
Whenever youre right, shut up. — Nash

Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable.

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around
late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve
from Adams rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the
oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God
created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best
civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the
oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded,
Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?

A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path.

Oh, dear, the lady said, come on, Ill clean you! She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, Be careful next time!

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem.

Now Ive had it! She whinned. What have you all been doing? And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. Hey, you, lady! sounded a male voice in distress.

Yes? she replied.

Do you have a Kleenex?

No, not anymore, she answered.

Too bad. I guess Ill just have to use another duck.

http://chucklesofchoice.com

…consults a psychic about the date of his impending death. Closing her eyes, and silently reaching into the future realm, she finds the answer.
“You will die on an American holiday.” “Which one?” bin Laden asks nervously. “Doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!”

Two guys in a jungle, come around a corner and meet a lion head-on pawing the ground.

One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion.

2nd guy hisses: What are you doing, you cant outrun the lion 1st guy says: No, but all I have to do is outrun you!

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship,they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.



There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.



Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?



The perfect woman.

Shes the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man..



* A Males Response *



So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

11. Speak in a weird language. When they say they dont understand you say Me no speak English10. Keep cutting someone off. When they yell at you say they made me do it!9. Pick a car out and follow it. When the driver looks at you say Hey wait a minute. Youre not Dad!8. If someone flicks you off look inside your car and yell back Youre right. It IS 1 oclock.7. Whenever a car trys to pass you yell Oh, its on, and pass them back.6. Whenever you see someone speed, go WHHHHOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOOOO like a siren and follow them. 5. When someone asks for directions, point both ways. 4. When someone yells an obscenity at you say Is that you, Russell Jones? Cause if it is, im telling yo momma!3. Ask other drivers if were over the border yet. Signify that you want them to say yes.2. Two Words: Egg Salad1. My Personal Favorite: Whenever one of those guys playing really loud rap is next to you at a traffic light, roll down the windows and play classical music even louder.