Old and New Jokes

Como siempre, en la comida del domingo estaba el abuelo reunido con toda su descendencia. Al terminar los alimentos, ya en la sobremesa, sus nietos le pidieron que contara una de sus anécdotas y éste aceptó:

Les contaré… Estaba yo en la selva tratando de cazar alguna fiera; en eso, me abro paso entre la maleza y, de repente, me encuentro con un león cerca de mí, tan cerca, que sentía yo sus pelos en la cara…

En eso, suena el teléfono. El viejo se levanta a contestar:

Sí, claro, nos vemos mañana, adiós. Y cuelga.

Al regresar a la mesa les pregunta a sus nietecitos:

¿En qué me quedé?

En que tenías los pelos en la cara, abuelo, responden a coro los nietos.

¡Ah, sí!, responde el anciano y prosigue:

Y entonces que le agarro su cinturita…

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldnt find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?

The officer replied, Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. Itll take you right there. She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?

The blonde replied, Dont worry, officer, it wont be long now. The 45th bus just went by!

All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.

Its not the work that gets me down, its the coffee breaks.

A man whose business it is to see that others have a good time.

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs? A. Nothing – he cant come to you anyway

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs? A. Ground beef

Q. What do you call a group of cattle in a jacking off?
A. Beef Strohganoff

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellors office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. What seems to be the problem? Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 – – 10 – – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!
The husband scratched his head and replied, I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!

Un domingo en la Iglesia, hay una cola casi infinita de jovenes para confesarse.

Llega el primero y dice:

Padre, me confieso haberme masturbado tres veces.

Bueno, vete a la esquina, reza 10 padrenuestros y no lo vuelvas a hacer.

El siguiente:

Padre, me confieso haberme masturbado tres veces.

Bueno, vete a la esquina, reza 10 padrenuestros y no lo vuelvas a hacer.

Así el tercero, el cuarto y todos los siguientes, hasta que el cura se cansó. Entonces llamó al monaguillo y le dijo que le sustituyera en el confesionario.

Todos te diran que se masturbaron 3 veces. Los mandas a la esquina a que recen 10 padrenuestros y ya está., le dice el cura.

Llega el primero a confesarse y dice:

Padre, me confieso haberme masturbado DOS veces.

Bueno, vete a la esquina, mastúrbate otra vez y reza 10 padrenuestros.

Tres viejos están sentados en un banco tomando sol.

Si es que hay que ver lo que es la edad… tengo 70 años, y todos los días a las 7 en punto me despierto con unas ganas horribles de orinar, pero no hay forma, me paso el día entero intentando mear pero no puedo.

Eso no es nada. A mis 80 años, me despierto a las 8 y lo primero que hago es irme a cacar, pero nada, que no hay manera y así me paso el día entero, sin poder cacar.

Ah pero eso no es nada. Con mis 90 años, yo orino todos los días a las 7 y caco a las 8; luego, a las 9, me despierto.