Old and New Jokes

Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

Why do Jews watch porno movies backwards?

They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander, a Cape Bretoner and a Quebecian. The three searched the island to try to find a way off when the Nefoundlander came upon a lamp with a genie. The genie poped up and said, “I will grant three wishes, so thats one for each of you.” So the Newfoundlander goes, “Well I wish I was back in Newfoundland.” So puff, he was sent to Newfoundland.
Then the Quebecian jumps up and says me next me next, I know exactly want I want. TheQuebecian says, “I would like to build a wall. I want this wall to be 1000 feet high and I want it to surround Quebec, so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, and I want to be in Quebec.” So the genie says okay and builds the wall, and now Quebec is officially separate from the rest of Canada and the Quebecian is back there.
So now the Cape Bretoner gets up and says, “Tell me more about this wall.” So the genie tells him, “This wall is 1000 feet high and surrounds Quebec and noting can pass in or out of Quebec.”
So the Cape Bretoner says, “Okay. Fill it with water.”

Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
You dont have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
Its OK when the person youre with fantasizes youre someone else,
because you ARE someone else.
You can dress up in your girlfriends clothes and no one will hassle you
like last time.
40 years from now, youll still enjoy candy.
If you dont get what you want, you can always go next door.
Doesnt matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
Less guilt the next morning.
You can do the whole neighborhood!!!

Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck

TOP 10 WORST CARTOON CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME (WITH COMMENTARY)

#10- Tweety Bird- You know theres a problem when every single kid roots
for the hero to be devoured in each episode. No sense of humor. No
personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was always tattling. I knew kids
like this growing up. Most of them ate paste, sat in the front of the
bus, and got me in trouble.

#9- Grape Ape- A real moron. All he knows how to say is his name. And
he does so non-stop for a half an hour. Id rather watch Davey and
Goliath covet heir neighbors model airplane.

#8- Olive Oyl- Am I the only one out there who thought this was one lady
NOT worth fighting over? And thats what they did every episode! She
talks like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe cleaner with a cheap hat.
Hey, Popeye, youre a sailor… you can do better! Plus Olive can
never decide if she wants to date that jerk Brutus or not. The girl is
just bad news.

#7- Petunia Pig- Remember her? Porkys girlfriend? She was a real
zero. What was the point of her anyway? To make Porky look good? Come
on, who did they think theyre fooling. We all know Porky is gay.

#6- Pebbles & Bam-Bam, as teenagers- What were they thinking? Were they
trying to cash in on the Joanie loves Chachi thing? And how come
every cartoon teenager plays in crumby rock band? An awful -and
thankfully shortlived- idea.

#5- Pepe LePew- Hello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of sexual harassment?
Lets take a good look at this character; a horny, rapist skunk whos
attracted to other species! NOT good for the kids. Plus, worse still,
hes French.

#4- Alan, from Josie and the Pussy Cats- How weak was this Fred
clone? They even gave him an ascot, for crying out loud. Well, I knew
Fred. I grew up with Fred. Fred was like a friend of mine. Let me
tell you something… youre no Fred.

#3- Zan and Zana, the Wondertwins- How many times do we have to say it?
Leave the crimefighting to the professionals! Form of… an idiot!
They should have been voted out of the Hall of Justice a long time ago.
Theres no room for dead weight in this game.

#2- Kazoo, from the Flintstones- Its like Hmmm, a miniature, green
spaceman who appears only to Fred Flintstone isnt enough of a stretch.
I know! Lets give him a snotty London accent! Um, could I get a drug
test from Hanna Barbara, please?

#1- Scrappy Doo- And, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined
Scooby Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of
Saturday morning cartoons. I cant even talk about it anymore. Its
too upsetting.

C:> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Written by a very wise man… I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
Man, that guy is stupid, I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and heres why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, thats 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. Theres 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by a female, thats 18,000.In any given group of females 1 in 28 has PMS. Thats 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. Thats 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females Have seriously considered suicide or homicide. Thats 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. Thats 33.According to the National Rifle Association 7% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.Flip one off?……. I think not.

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it

in six or twelve pieces.

A: Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

Paraphrased from Dennis Millers performance at Vanderbilt Wednesday night:

Germanys creative talents tend to skip a generation:

They make a really nice sports car, destroy an entire race,
make a really nice sports car…