Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: What lightbulb?

Se trata de un hombre al cual se le ha muerto la mujer. El hombre, después de avisar a familiares y amigos, la lleva a que la cambien para velarla. Repentinamente, se le cae a la finada la peluca que llevaba puesta y el marido, apurado, intenta ponérsela, pero ya se hacía tarde y llegaban los familiares al velatorio.

El sujeto le dice al encargado de la funeraria que le ponga la peluca, ya que ella no quería que nadie se enterara que la usaba, solamente lo sabían ella y él. Le pide que de cualquier forma le coloque la peluca, pero que quedara bien, mientras él entretenía a los familiares y amigos.

Al rato, vuelve el marido, se acerca al cajón, llora al lado de su mujer y disimuladamente tira de la peluca para ver si estaba bien colocada.

El tipo queda satisfecho y se retira de ahí y se acerca al responsable, y en voz baja le pregunta cuánto le va a cobrar.

¡Qué le voy a cobrar por dos clavitos!, le responde el encargado.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

65. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.No one expects you to run into a burning building.Kidnappers are not very interested in you. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, Did I wake you? People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.Theres nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now wont wear out. You can buy a compass for the dash of your car. You can eat dinner at 4:00. You cant remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.You can constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. You have a party and the neighbors dont even realize it.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You give lots of money to charities. You sing along with the elevator music. You have an age advantage whenever you need it.Your Congressman pays attention to you.You are not expected to keep up with technology or understand it.You get travel and entertainment discounts.Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. You can dance to the oldest music and no one laughs at you. People come to you for help with their antique cars.Your secrets are safe with your friends because they cant remember them either.

A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car being repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking and the talk turned to their lines of work.

You know, doctor, the professor said, I sometimes believe this type of work is complicated as the work we do.

Perhaps, the surgeon replied. But lets see him do it when the engine is running!

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to

take one item with them to help them occupy their time while

incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, So, what did you

bring?

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he

intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the

Grandma Moses of Jail.

Then he asked the first, What did you bring?

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, I brought

cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked, Why are you so smug? What did

you bring?

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, I brought

these!

The other two were puzzled and asked, What on earth can you do with

those?

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, Well according to the

box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….

The following are actual incidents reported…

#1

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasnt getting many. Then, he discovered the problem – a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read RADAR TRAP AHEAD. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading TIPS and a bucket full of change.

#2

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

#3

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmens Ball.

He replied, Highway patrolmen dont have balls.

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what hed just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

Q: What will Bills favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
A: Everythings $100.

Two men were in a pub. One man said, Did you know that beer contains female hormones? The other man said, No! Is it true? Yes, said the first man. If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly.

You know you are addicted to the Internet when…



You kiss your girlfriends home page.



Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.



Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.



All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster par connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.



And even your night dreams are in HTML.



You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.



You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.



You start introducing yourself as Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au



Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though youve never had heart problems before.



You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you dont have a clue when it happened.



You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.



Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.



All of your friends have an @ in their names.



When looking at a pageful of someone elses links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.



Your dog has its own home page.



You cant call your mother…she doesnt have a modem.



You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.



Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.



You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.



You dont know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.



Your husband tells you hes had the beard for 2 months.



You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.



You tell the kids they cant use the computer because Daddys got work to do and you dont even have a job.



You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.



Your wife makes a new rule: The computer cannot come to bed.



You get a tattoo that says This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.



You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off.



The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.



You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.



Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.



As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the back button.