Old and New Jokes

Afrontando toda la ingenuidad de Tarzan, el día que Jane lo conoció le dio una clase de sexualidad:

Mira, Tarzan, eso que tienes ahí colgando entre las piernas es tu trapito y esto que tengo aquí es una lavadora… ¡Y tú debes lavar ese trapito en esta lavadora!

Ese día y los siguientes cinco días con sus noches Tarzan estuvo lave y lave, y cuando Jane logró respirar le dijo:

¡Mira, Tarzan, la lavada del trapito no puede ser tanta ni tan seguido, porque se te puede gastar!

Con aquel comentario, el Hombre Mono se apartó un poco de Jane. Pero, después de pasar un mes sin que éste usara la lavadora, Jane, extrañada, le preguntó:

preocupada:

Tarzan, ¿qué te pasa? ¿Por qué no has querido usar más mi lavadora?

¡Es que Tarzan aprender a lavar a mano!

Había una vez un señor que se fue a aprender karate al Japón, y llevaba como 5 años estudiando, pero nada que aprendía no podía dar ni una patada, y ya cansado y aburrido se decidió a hablar con su maestro que era uno de esos viejitos como de 100 años que enseñan artes marciales.

Llegó el día que iba a hablar con su maestro y le dijo: No, maestro, estoy cansado de esto, llevo como 5 años de mi vida aquí desperdiciados y no se ni dar ni una patada, ya no puedo más, me voy…

El maestro se queda mirándolo seriamente a los ojos y con voz misteriosa le dice:

¿Has visto al atardecer cuando las gaviotas vuelan flamantes por la llanura?

Y el joven responde: Sí, maestro.

¿Has visto cuando los hipopótamos se revuelcan en el fango?

Sí, maestro.

Has visto cuando los leopardos se aparean en el ocaso.

Sí, maestro.

¡Ves, por estar viendo maricadas es que no aprendes un culo, guevón!

T. S. Eliot is an anagram of Toilets.

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Arkansas,
and a detective goes into the coroners to find the
causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

This is Cletus, he says. He died of shock after winning
20 million on the lottery.

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. This is Bo,
the coroner says with a grin. He died while doing it with
Trudy-May.

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. This is
Roscoe, says the coroner. He died after being struck by
lightning.

Well, asks the detective, Why in hell was the fool smiling?

Oh, says the coroner. He thought he was having his picture
taken.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didnt know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow

The following is an exact transcription of a letter John Mongan received from MIT, and the reply that he sent them. Unfortunately, they chose to discontinue their correspondence at that point. I have heard, however, that their recruitment letter has been revised and is far less snotty than it once was.

April 18, 1994



Mr. John T. Mongan 123 Main Street Smalltown, California 9;;;;,-;;;;,



Dear John:



Youve got the grades. Youve certainly got the PSAT scores. And now youve got a letter from MIT. Maybe youre surprised. Most students would be.



But youre not most students. And thats exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.



The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!



Engineerings not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.



What? Of course, you dont want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but its also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative – inside and outside the classroom.



Youre interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams – 39 – than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.



You think were too expensive? Dont be too sure. Weve got surprises for you there, too.



Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?



Sincerely,



Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions



P.S. If youd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, Insight, just check the appropriate box on the form.



May 5, 1994



Michael C. Behnke MIT Director of Admissions Office of Admissions, Room 3-108 Cambridge MA 02139-;;;;,



Dear Michael:



Youve got the reputation. Youve certainly got the pomposity. And now youve got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe youre surprised. Most universities would be.



But youre not most universities. And thats exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.



The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongans future education. It certainly got my attention!



Dont want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.



What? Of course you dont want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent and over confident, but Im also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing – whether youre laughing with him or at him.



Youre interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports – 47 – than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.



You think I can pay for your school? Dont be too sure. Ive got surprises for you there, too.



Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?



Sincerely,



John Mongan



P.S. If youd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, John Mongan: What a Guy! just ask.



John never got a reply.

AZHAR: I have thought of a way to make our team better…

SACHIN: Does that mean you are leaving it !!*

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, youve been out drinking again!""What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look."The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again."

1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4. You see a 60 minutes news team waiting in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there arent any.
7. You turn on the news and theyre showing emergency routes out of the city.
8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you dont have a waterbed.
10. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels on the freeway.
11. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
12. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
13. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
14. You wake up and your braces are locked together.
15. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
17. Your paycheck bounces.
18. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
19. Your pet rock snaps at you.
20. Your wife says, Good morning, Bill and your name is George.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dill!
Dill who?
Dill we meet again!