Old and New Jokes

A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldnt seem to get enough
lovin. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love,
and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go – both before
and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.

The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the
house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back
again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the towns doctor, about
what to do.

Easiest thing in the world, Homer said the doctor. You take your rifle out
with you every day, dont you? Well, when you feel like youre in the mood for
some lovin, just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to
come out to you. That way you wont lose any workin time.

Homer tried his friends solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while.
One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed
Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.

Whats wrong? he asked. Didnt my idea work? And wheres your wife?

Oh, it worked said Homer. Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like
you said, and Beckied come runnin. Then wed find a secluded place and make
love. Then Beckied go back home.

So whats the problem?

Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I aint seen hide nor hair of Beckie since
hunting season got started…

Its customarily said that Christmas is done for the kids. Considering how awful Christmas is and how little our society likes children, this must be true.

– P.J. ORourke, Modern Manners, 1983.

One day, on a notice board, a message was written:

A parker pn lost if found plz return to me The next day, another notice was put up:

If anybody finds a E plz add it to the spelling of PEN

Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects a few. Theyre all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.

THE DEAN





Leaps tall buildings in a single bound



Is more powerful than a locomotive



Is faster than a speeding bullet



Walks on water



Gives policy to God





THE DEPARTMENT HEAD



Leaps short buildings in a single bound



Is more powerful than a switch engine



Is just as fast as a speeding bullet



Talks with God





PROFESSOR



Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds



Is almost as powerful a switch engine



Is faster than a speeding BB



Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool



Talks with God if a special request is honored





ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR



Barely clears a quonset hut



Loses tug of war with a locomotive



Can fire a speeding bullet



Swims well



Is occasionally addressed by God





ASSISTANT PROFESSOR



Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings



Is run over by locomotives



Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury



Treads water



Talks to animals





INSTRUCTOR



Climbs walls continually



Rides the rails



Plays russian roulette



Walks on thin ice



Prays a lot





GRADUATE STUDENT



Runs into buildings



Recognizes locomotives two out of three times



Is not issued ammunition



Can stay afloat with a life jacket



Talks to walls





UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT



Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings



Says Look at the choo-choo



Wets himself with a water pistol



Plays in mud puddles



Mumbles to himself

The number of floppies it will ship on.





The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.





The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.





The number of pages in the EASY INSTALL version of the manual.





The percentage of existing programs that wont run in the new version.





The number of minutes to install.





The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.





The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.





The number of MHz required for the operating system to run.





The year it was due to ship.





The 98 stands for average CPH : Crash Per Hour.





Bill Gates age when it ships.





The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.





The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at usable speed.





The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.

One of Gods Frozen children.

An April 7th newspaper had an AP photo taken in Washington DC. The photo was of a Ringling Brothers circus elephant with Newt on one side and Bob Dole on the other side. How appropriate – a circus elephant with a CLOWN on either side.

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandmas kitchen.

Wheres my bucket and wheres my water? Grandma asked him.

I cant get any water from that water hole, Grandma, exclaimed Johnny.

Theres a big ol alligator down there!

Now dont you mind that ol alligator, Johnny. Hes been there for a few years now, and hes never hurt no one. Why, hes probably as scared of you as you are of him!

Well, Grandma, replied Johnny, if hes as scared of me as I am of him, then that water aint fit to drink!

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The
cashier asks, What size?

The man replies, Size? I didnt know they came in sizes.

Yes, they do, she says, What size do you want?

Well, gee, I dont know, the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and
measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence.
While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the
fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they
return, the cashier asks, What will it be? Small, medium, or large?

The man replies, To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of
that fence back there!

Chris Ott