Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the Axis of Evil, Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the Axis of Just as Evil, which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!, declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. Everybody knows were the best evils… best at being evil… were the best.Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. They told us it was full, said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.An Axis cant have more than three countries, explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. This is not my rule, its tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three.And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.THE AXIS PANDEMICInternational reaction to Bushs Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Arent the Worst But Certainly Wont Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts!

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down nuts! And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog is thrilled, This is great! Will I meet her at a party?

No, says his Advisor, in her biology class.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would
probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom. He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.Finally the lawyer said, Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to
whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty!The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.But how? inquired the lawyer. You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.The jury foreman replied: Oh, we did look … but your client didnt.

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.The player said, When I get bad cards, its not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?The dealer said, When you eat out do you tip the waiter?Yes.Well he serves you food, Im serving you cards, so you should tip me.Okay, but the waiter gives me what I ask for. Ill take an eight.

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but itll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.

Little Johnny is in class and the teacher is at the chalk board. She turns to the class after putting the letter S on the board. Ok class, I would like someone to give me a word that starts with the letter S. Johnny raises his hand and says Me me me me.

The teacher says to herself no way. hes so fouled mouth he will say shit or something.

So she calls on Suzzy. Suzzy says Sunflower.

Very good Suzzy. Then she outs the letter f up on the board little Johnny wonce again is saying ME me me. She says Franklin give me a letter thats starts with the letter F.

Franklin says funny teacher.

Very good Franklin.

This went on for most of the class. Finally she put the letter R up on the board. Johnny sat scratching his head like he was thinking real hard. She thought alright I got him.

Johnny can you give me a word that starts with the letter R?. Yes. Johnny says.

Rats. teacher.

Very good Johnny.

Then he said big fucking rats three foot long with sixteen in harry dicks.

The teacher faintede.

¿Cuál es el nuevo eslogan de American Airlines?

Lo llevamos hasta su oficina.

¿Por qué son famosas las fiestas neoyorquinas?

Porque tienen un ambiente explosivo.

¿Qué fue lo último que pasó por la cabeza de Mr. Johnson en el piso 90?

El piso 91.

Hay un nuevo postulado en las matemáticas de EE.UU.:

¿Cuántos lados tiene un Pentágono?

R= Cuatro.

Es un pájaro. No, es un avión. No… ¡Ah, mierda, sí… es un avión!

¿Por qué Superman no detuvo a los aviones antes de que se estrellaran contra las Torres Gemelas?

Porque está cuadrapléjico.

The priest was preparing a man for his long days journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?

The dying man said, Until I know where Im heading, I dont think I ought to aggravate anybody.