More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
Drinks coffee, not that sissy Earl Grey stuff.
Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
Hasnt let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship — yet.
Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to
admit theyre lost and pull over for directions.
Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
Hasnt quoted Shakespeare — yet.
Looks better in sleepwear.
Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
Isnt French with an English accent.
Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
Janeway says I dont like you! to her enemies instead of trying
to convince them to behave better.
To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly
way. Picard sings a song… in French… about a monk… who
cant wake up for morning bells.
The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
She doesnt have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead
of trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
15 episodes without surrendering the ship.
15 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
Janeways holo programs create useful things like doctors and
lungs. Picards holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet
again take over the ship.
She doesnt need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in
Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!
Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a
shirt; Janeway would look… no, they cant do that on network television.
Doesnt force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to
blend in with a primitive planet.
She doesnt waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms
in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over his eyes.
Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
Doesnt have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
Her telepath only lives nine years.
Janeway heard the words boldly go where no man (er, woman)
has gone before and took them to the extreme.
Picard tells alien cultures, I hope our two cultures will one
day come to a greater understanding. Janeway threatens them with
the deadliest of force.
Janeways Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that
only Worf could stomach.
Janeway doesnt have to point which way to go when they set off.
Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, Boy,
Paris, are YOU ever stupid.
Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
Has a more manly voice.
Doesnt have a starship that splits in half when its in a tight spot.
Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
Kes. Troi. No contest.
Nealix. Replicator. Ok, this ones debatable.
At least she doesnt have to yell Hot! at her cook every time
she wants something to drink.
Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
Her CONN officer can use contractions.
Her first officer has a hallucinogenic device.
None of the crew members relatives have ever tried to take over
the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
To help her relax, Janeways first officer helps her contact her
spirit guide. Picards first officer helps him get… to Risa.
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the
way home she notices a tear in his eye and asks whether he is getting
sentimental because they are celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your
father threatened me with a shotgun and said he would have me thrown in jail for
50 years if I did not marry you. Tomorrow I would have been a free man!
Sven and Osmond are good friends.
Each day, they get together after work and have a shot in a local bar.
This is a tradition that goes on for some time.
One day, Osmond says to Sven, Sven, if I die before you, promise me that you will have a shot for me, each day.
Sven considers this and agrees.
Well, sure enough, Osmond dies, and sure enough, Sven has an extra shot for him every day after work.
This goes on for some time, and the waitress is quite familiar with the ritual and the reason.
One day, Sven comes in and orders one drink. Well, the waitress is shock, and says, But, Sven, arent you going to have another drink for your friend, as usual?
Sven says, Well, you see, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but I dont think that Osmond should be punished for that.
Un tipo mezquino, que le ha prometido a su hija un viaje en avioneta como regalo de cumpleaños, está negociando con el piloto:
¿Cuánto me cobra por dar un paseo de una hora?
Quinientos pesos.
Uf, eso es mucho dinero. ¿Y si sólo es media hora?
Por media hora, doscientos cincuenta.
¡Chin, doscientos cincuenta! ¿No tiene nada más barato?
Pues mire, podemos hacer un trato: si usted se sube a la avioneta y es capaz de estar completamente callado durante todo el vuelo, no le cobro un peso.
Trato hecho.
Se suben los tres al aeroplano, y el piloto comienza a hacer malabarismos: rizos, caÃdas en picado, el avión panza arriba, panza abajo. Sin embargo, el tacaño permanecÃa mudo. Por fin, el piloto se cansa y aterriza.
¡Oiga, me tiene usted asombrado. Mire que hice cosas peligrosas con la avioneta y usted no pronuncio ni una palabra!
Si quiere que le diga la verdad, estuve a punto de gritar cuando se cayó la nena.
2 guys go into a bar. One guy said to the other, why is that monkey over there? He answer Well watch this.
He went and slapped the monkey across the head and the monkey went and sucked his dong. So he said to the other guy, Wanna try that?
He answered Sure. Just dont hit me as hard as you hit that monkey.
Q:what did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?
A:Damn
A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a Beep..Beep..Beep and ask his dad where the sound was coming from.
His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.
When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady.
All of a sudden another mans beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said Look out dad shes backing up!
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
Would you like dinner? the flight attendant asked the man seated in front.
What are my choices? he asked.
Yes or no, she replied.
Estando una mujer embarazada en el banco, entraron unos atracadores entraron y se produjo un tiroteo en el que la mujer recibió tres balazos en el estómago, que sorprendentemente no le provocaron el aborto.
Pasados unos meses la mujer dio a luz unos trillizos muy guapos.
Cuatro años despues llega uno de ellos asustado a la cocina y dice:
¡Mamá, he cagado una bala!
La mujer, sorprendida, le dijo a su hijo que no se preocuppara.
Al dÃa siguiente llega otro de sus hijos y le dice:
¡Mamá, he cagado una bala!
A lo que la mujer contesta:
No te preocupes, hijo, no pasa nada.
Al dia siguiente llega el tercer hijo y dialogaron madre e hijo de este modo:
¡Mamá, ha ocurrido algo raro!
Lo se, hijo, ¿a que has cagado una bala?
¡Que va, mucho peor! ¡Me he tirado un pedo y me he cargado al abuelo!
The wife says: In not upset
The wife means: Of course Im upset you moron
The wife says: Youre … so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.