Old and New Jokes

Handy Metric to English system conversions and units

Ratio of an igloos circumference to its diameterEskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soupWon Ton
0.000001 cc. mouthwash1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrierMach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hourknot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer1 lite year 16.5 feet in the
Twilight Zone1 Rod Serling
0.5 large intestine1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches1 megahertz
1,000 murderers on a chaingang1 kilohertz
Weight an evangelist carries with God1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokesa straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement1 bananosecond
1/2 bath1 demijohn
Given the old adage a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, the first step of a one-mile journey1 Milwaukee.

A man who thinks hes George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, Tomorrow, well cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.

As soon as hes gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I now have the plans!

Q: What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner?

A: A Chain litter!

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island. Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island! She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island. She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

The ULTIMATE Email Quiz

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I know we have done these before, but this really is theultimate quiz, it is worth a try



Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

130. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.

The police are looking for a certain suspect whos sexy, funny, has a nice personality, and cool. Yo ass is safe but where do I hide?

Back in the days of Camelot, a young knight was traveling cross country by horseback. He was tired, hungry and the hour was growing late. He spotted a castle nearby and stopped and knocked on the door.

It was answered by the castle owner who was an older knight. When the traveler asked if he could stay overnight, the castle owner said, No problem.

However, the castle had three bedrooms and the older knight also had two daughters, they each had their own bedroom and the traveler would have to choose who he would sleep with.

One daughter was extremely intelligent but was so ugly she made cats bark.

The other daughter was a breath-taking beauty who was smart as a box of rocks.

Who do you think the young knight chose to sleep with?

Obviously, he chose the older knight … after all, this is a fairy tale.

Lyles Joke Boutique.

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood.

He doesnt want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner.

Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief.

The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, So thats how you guys load those things!

No longer seen jumping subway turnstiles
Visits elementary schools teaching youngsters how to cheat on their taxes
Four words: Shes a hugging machine
All rooms in her hotels are now free! Seriously! Call 1-800-HELMSLEY right now to reserve yours!
Always arrives on time for weekly face lift
Before she was released, returned three dozen stolen towels to prison laundry
Mumbled sorry after coldcocking the doorman
Is receiving counseling for her addiction to mascara
Has removed the word bitch from her resume
Counts to ten, then slaps the houseboy