Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.

Theres no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins werent invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce and hammers dont ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?

Doesnt it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didnt preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes it seems like English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Have you ever met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isnt a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!

Top 10 Reasons For Being Italian

In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
Unembarrassed to wear fur.
No need to worry about tax returns
Glorious military history… well, till about 400 A.D.
Can wear sunglasses inside
Political stability
Flexible working hours
Live near the Pope
Can spend hours braiding girlfriends armpit hair
Sweating tenors

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottles of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came a loud yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell…

And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.

Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name:
On Whiskey! On Vodka! we aint got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!

Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, weve still got a long haul!
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.

And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.

He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didnt fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.

Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.

But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!

I have just returned from a three week lecture romp from Shanghai to Beijing in China. While in the train station in Nanjing (Chinese train stations are invariably very crowded) I was reminded by a young woman that I should take very good caution over pocket pickers.

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: I visited my Nana.

Teacher: Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother.

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo.

Teacher: Please, you had a ride on a train.

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time.

Teacher: Excellent. And what was the name of the book?

Third Pupil, with a big grin: Winnie The Shit!

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages… only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
At any age, a man is like Iran – ruled by a dick

What do you call a dog that hears voices?

A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!

If you meet Osama Bin Laden – sucker punch the bastard
Special hotline to report anyone who looks shifty
Offer Taliban free HBO, instead of cable guy send Jackie Chan
Two words: spy monkeys
Go to every K-Mart and announce over P.A.: Will Osama Bin Laden report to the managers office?
What are we waiting for – call Batman
Give terrorists brightly wrapped fruitcake, but inside theres a skunk!
Make Taliban leaders easier to spot by sending them all bright orange hats
Fight terrorism with love! (the guy who suggested this was beaten to a pulp by an angry mob)
Do another Hands Across America – that worked before

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hawaii!
Hawaii who?
Fine, until you knocked on the door!