Old and New Jokes

A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Some time ago the British magazine New Statesman had a humour
competition in which readers were asked to come up with a letter
complaining to the publisher of a sex manual, relating to serious
injury sustained, damage inflicted, or frustration experienced, after
following the instructions contained therein.

Peter Norman won 15 pounds for this:

Dear Sir,

One knows that publishing standards are declining, but I have never
been so shocked and appalled by the number of misprints in a single
publication. I refer, of course, to your 100 Easy Steps to Martial
(sic) Satisfaction. Some of the advice therein is rendered
misleading, dangerous or even illegal by such errors.

For instance, on page 212, one is enjoined to carefully place a
condor on your penis… Later, on the same page, we are told to
stroke the beast, stimulating the erectile tissue at its tip, a
course of action that I fancy even trained falconers would eschew.
Elsewhere, my partner actually followed to the letter (pardon my
little joke) the instructions to fondle your mans bills (p39) and
give him a long, slow message (p128), both of which proved
positively anaphrodisiac. And no one, surely, outside ancient Carthage
has punic hair (p56) or uses a dido (p337). In chapter 1, the
recommended fissionary position (p6) sounds a little explosive for
beginners…

A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!

The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?

The driver replied, Was I officer, Im terribly sorry but I wasnt aware of that.

The policeman said, May I see your drivers license please?

The man replied, I dont have one officer.

Of course you do, said the policeman.

No sir, I dont, said the man.

So why do you have this car? asked the policeman.

This is not my car, I stole it, said the man.

You are driving a stolen car? said the policeman.

Yes Im afraid so sir,

Looking puzzled the policeman said, Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to.

The man said, There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun.

Your gun! exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.

So you dont have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!

Yes sir, said the man, Oh and a body in the trunk.

Jesus! said the policeman turning white, Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?

Yes, said the man, sounding slightly irritated.

Look, said the policeman, You wait right here and dont touch anything! Don’t move, don’t even breathe.

So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, I want to speak to the chief, said the policeman, And quick!

He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, What is it, he said.

Ive got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk, said the policeman.

I’ll be right there, said the chief.

In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.

The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, Hello sir, ehm may I see your drivers license?

Of course, said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.

Looking puzzled, the chief asked, Is this your car?

Yes, said the man.

Can I see your registration please sir? asked the chief.

The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.

Please dont open it sir! said the chief.

Why? asked the man, I thought you wanted my registration.

I do, said the chief, But there is a gun in there.

Dont be silly, said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.

Let me get this right, said the chief, You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment.

Yes, said the man,

And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose, said the chief.

BODY! exclaimed the man, Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?

Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers licence, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk.

The lying fool, said the man, I bet he said I was speeding as well!

A guy from Nebraska, a guy from Michigan, and a guy from Ohio are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a bottle and a Genie pops out of it.
I will give you each one wish, thats three wishes total, says the Genie.
The guy from Nebraska says, I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Nebraska.
With a blink of the Genies eye, POOF the land in Nebraska was forever made fertile for farming.
The Michigan guy was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around Michigan, so that no one can come into our precious state. Again, with a blink of the Genies eye, POOF there was a huge wall around Michigan.
The Buckeye asks, Im curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, Well, its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.
The Buckeye says, Fill it up with water.

What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine? The pricks are on the inside.

Jack has stolen the rabbis gold watch and afterwards felt guilty about what he did.

After a sleepless night, he went to the rabbi.

Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.

But Jack, thats forbidden! You should return it immediately!

What shall I do?

Give it back to the owner.

Do you want it?

No, I said return it to its owner.

But he doesnt want it.

In that case, you can keep it.

Se encuentras dos conocidos:

“Tío, ¿qué tal el safari por África”.

“Calla, perdí de vista al guía; me entraron unos retortijones y que me puse a cagar detrás de un árbol, entonces vino un orangután y me enculó”.

“¡Joder, tío, qué fuerte! ¿Y cómo lo llevas?”

“¡Muy mal… no me llama, no me escribe…!”

1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If its a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If its the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If its handwritten, type it.
8. if its typed, copy it.
9. If its copied, file it.
10. If its Friday, forget it!

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

Give me the best French wine and French bread, he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italians turn.

Give me a great big plate of pasta, said the Italian.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jews turn.

I want a big bowl of strawberries, said the Jew.

Strawberries!!! They arent even in season!

Nu, so Ill wait…

1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.



3. I would not allow this employee to breed.



4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite wont be.



5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.



6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.



7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.



8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.



9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.



10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.



11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.



12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.



13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasnt watching.



14. A room temperature IQ.



15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.



16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.



17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.



18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.



19. Bright as Alaska in December.



20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.



21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.



22. Fell out of the family tree.



23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.



24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.



25. He is so dense, light bends around him.



26. If brains were taxed, hed get a rebate.



27. If he were any more stupid, hed have to be watered twice a week.



28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, youd get change.



29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.



30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.



31. One neuron short of a synapse.



32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.



33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.



34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.



35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.