Old and New Jokes

Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at
the counter. Bartender says, You cant bring that dog in here!
Man says, But this is a Seeing Eye dog! Bartender says Well, OK,
then I guess it can stay.

After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As
theyre going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming
in. First man says, The bartender wont like you bringing that dog
in here, but just tell him its a Seeing Eye dog and then itll be
OK. Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks
a fews seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.

Bartender says, Hey! You cant bring that Chihuahua in here! Man
stares straight ahead and exclaims What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!

Two gay men{ Bobby and Peter) wre walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men (Peter) just cant bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.





The gorilla grabs Peter, drags him into the cage and has his way with him for six hours nonstop. When hes done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.





An ambulance is called and Peter is taken away to the hospital.





The next day Bobby visits him in the hospital and asks, Are you hurt?





AM I HURT?, Peter shouts, Wouldnt you be? He hasnt called, he hasnt written…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Beezer!
Beezer who?
Beezer black and yellow and make honey!

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and thats what they did last year.

What do you call two Mexican in a shoe box?

A pair of brown loafers.

There were two beggers sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican city, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David.It was a loverly day, the sun was shinning, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggers, but everyone was giving the man with the cross around his neck money, while the man with the star of david got nothing.

One morning a high priest walked by the beggers and said the the begger with the star of david my friend, you are in Vatican city, all these people that pass you by will give to the man with the cross, they will never give money to a man with a star of david, infact they will give to the man with the cross just to spite you…

The begger with the star of david, turned the the begger with the cross and said hey, moshe, this shmuck is trying to teach the cohen brothers about marketing

One day a Blonde and a Brunette were driving through the country..

The Brunette noticed a woman over in a field of wheat rowing in a

kayak.

The Blonde then noticed also and the Brunette asked her Why is she in a

boat out in a field of wheat? There is a lake right down the road!

And the Blonde replied… Want me to swim out and tell her?

Young person to preacher, REPENT??!! I havent even pented yet!!
Thousands of years ago the Egyptians worshipped cats as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over mole hills.
While praising the optimist who created the airplane, let us not forget the pessimist who made the parachute!
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
Always forgive your enemies – it aggravates the heck out of them!
Confidence is painting the ceiling after installing the new carpet.
You cant turn back the clock. But you sure can wind it up again.
PATIENCE is something you greatly admire in the driver behind you, but NOT in the one ahead of you.
How proper are the English? Their lifeguards give handshake to handshake resuscitation.
There was a time when anyone spending $100 for sneakers was stocking a shoe store.

Two Indians and a Redneck were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Redneck was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?

No, said the Indian.

It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo! into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.

Just then they saw another cave.

The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!

Immediately, there was an answering Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Redneck wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!

It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation and then he heard the answering call, WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read..

NAKED REDNECK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!

And here are my qualifications for you to overlook …

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

Responsibility makes me nervous.

They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldnt work under those conditions.

Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

Work Experience: Dealing with customers conflicts that arouse.

Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

Im a rabid typist.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.