Dos tontilandeses van a robar a la casa de un ricachón. Al llegar, ven un cartel de Cuidado con el perro.
Vámonos, que aquà hay perro.
Pero si eso lo ponen todos para asustar a los ladrones.
Manolo, asustado, se va por los alrededores de la casa y ve una parabólica. Regresa, aún más asustado, con Venancio:
¡Vámonos, vámonos!
¿Has visto al perro?
No, pero sà el plato en el que come.
This guy dies and goes to Hell. When he arrives hes greeted by the Official Hell Tour Guide who proceeds to show him around.
Upon finishing the tour the guide asks, say, do you smoke?
The newly dead responds Oh YEAH, I smoked for most of my life, Im a real connoisseur of tobacco.
The guide responds with, Well youre gonna LOVE Sundays! Well have fine cigarettes from all over the world, the best Cuban cigars, quality pipe tobacco…
Hells latest addition is starting to think hey this wont be so bad after all when the guide says so do you drink?
I love drinking, he responds, my favorite pastime!
Well youre gonna LOVE Mondays when we drag out our best bourbons, Caribbean rums, our 25 single malt scotches, fresh Guinness from the brewery… Our man is really excited now.
Oh by the way, says the guide, interrupting blissful thoughts of an alcoholic stupor, Are you gay?
What! How dare you! Of course not!, he replies visibly shaken.
Well youre gonna HATE Tuesdays…
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, Ill make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Torah more, get your hair cut and well talk about it.
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the fathers study where his father said, Son, Ive been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youve studied the Torah diligently, but you didnt get your hair cut!
The young man waited a moment and replied, You know, Dad, Ive been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair…. To which the Rabbi replied, Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, Youre right,that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm.
En un manicomio la enfermera entra a un cuarto y ve a un paciente actuando como si conduciera un auto.
La enfermera le pregunta, Pedro, ¿qué estas haciendo? Y Pedro responde, ¡Manejando a Mérida! La enfermera le desea buen viaje y sale.
Al dÃa siguiente, la enfermera entra al cuarto de Pedro justo cuando el para de conducir su auto imaginario y le pregunta, Bueno, Pedro, ¿qué haces? Pedro responde, Acabo de llegar a Mérida.
La enfermera sale y va al cuarto de Manolo y lo encuentra sentado en su cama masturbándose.
Sorprendida, le pregunta, Manolo, ¿qué estás haciendo? Manolo responde, ¡Estoy haciendo el amor con la esposa de Pedro mientras él está en Mérida!
Llega un señor muy preocupado al doctor y le dice: doctor, tengo un problema muy grave, es algo que no me deja dormir, no puedo ni siquiera hacerle el amor a mi esposa.
DÃgame, ¿cuál es su problema?, cuestiona el doctor.
El paciente responde: es que no se como decirlo… pero tengo un testÃculo mayor que el otro.
A veces pasa, no se preocupe. Muéstremelo, quiero revisarlo.
No doctor, usted se va a reÃr.
No señor, como piensa eso. Soy un profesional, no voy a reÃrme.
¿Me lo promete doctor?
¡Hombre, claro, se lo prometo!
El hombre se saca un testÃculo del tamaño de un melón; el médico, por más que lo intenta, no pude contenerse y se empieza a morir de la risa.
Ja, ja, ja, ja, ¡qué compañón más pura mierda!
El paciente molesto, le reclama: lo ve doctor, me dijo que no se iba a reÃr, ¡y eso que todavÃa no le muestro el grande!
Why dont mexicans have checking accounts?
Because its too hard to sign checks with a spray can.
Boss asks secretary Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?
No, says the secretary.
Great, Lets do lunch. the boss says.
This joke was told by a woman (didnt get her name) from the West
Virginia Bankers Association during Comedy Night at Robbys (a local
night club) in Huntington West Virginia:
There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she
noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered
that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She
decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not
quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.
She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around
this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top
of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to
also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When
she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her
left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her.
The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left
hip. In her head she was thinking, Hit the penny… hit the penny… hit
the penny… Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and
stopped to chat for a while.
This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She
talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that
she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung
down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she
walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny
and then hit the nickel.
The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her
head she was thinking, Hit the penny… hit the nickel… hit the
penny… hit the nickel… Just as predicted, the man stopped her and
asked her out on a date.
After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she
wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he
suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her
head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string
was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins.
The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving
her hips again. In her head she was thinking, Hit the penny… hit the
nickel… hit the dime… hit the penny… hit the nickel… hit the
dime… That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to
marry him.
She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to
worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well
versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and
this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the
top of her head and than it hung down in front of her to her private
parts. He told her to hit the coins when she was making love to her new
husband.
A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly
married couple rushed off to their honeymoon. That night she went into the
bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. Hit the penny…
hit the nickel… hit the dime… hit the quarter… hit the penny… hit
the nickel… hit the dime… hit the quarter…
Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started
moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, Hit the penny… hit the
nickel… hit the dime… hit the quarter… hit the penny… hit the
nickel… hit the dime… hit the quarter… Oh, forget the small
change… hit the quarter… hit the quarter… hit the quarter…
Bob Boag
A golden retriever