Old and New Jokes

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if theyll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, theres only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if theres some particular reason why she should go to heaven.

She takes off her top and says,

Look at these. Theyre the most perfect ones God ever created, and Im proud to own them.

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks the Queen the same question.

She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, OK, Your Majesty, you may go in.

Dolly is outraged. She screams,

What was that all about? I show you two of Gods own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene

act, and gets in, and I dont?!!!

Sorry, Dolly, says St. Peter,

But a royal flush beats a pair any day.

5.) No one but their creator understand their internal logic.

4.) Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3.) The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.) The message Bad command or filename is about as informative as If you dont know why Im mad at you, then Im certainly not going to tell you.

1.) As soon as you make the commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His response was: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.

What goes errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh? A blonde at a

blinking red light!

Father Oleary and Rabbi Goldberg played chess each Wednesday in the park. The chess game usually included religious discussion and debate. This week the discussion turned to religious sins.

Rabbi Goldberg said, In my religion it is forbidden to eat ham but I tried it once, just once, before I became a Rabbi.

Not to be outdone, Father Oleary admitted, During seminary this beautiful young girl tempted me and I yielded to the lust of the flesh and had sex.

Across the chess board, the old Rabbi grinned, and with a chuckle said, Better than ham, aint it?

KGB colonel Petrofiev calls srg. Iliushin into his office. At your service, comrade colonel.

Comrade Iliushin, go tell Ivan this is his last chance. Unless he tells us where the treasure is, I will kill his wife and his daughter, burn his fingers, pop out his eyes, cut his ears, smash his balls and when I get tired ot tormenting him I will give his heart to my dog.

Srg. Iliushin rushes to the dark cell where Ivan lays on the floor already beaten to death.

Dear Ivan, I did everything I could but Im affraid they are very determined and this is the last offer they are going to make. Either you tell them the place you keep the gold and they will set you free or they will kill your family, burn your fingers, pop out your eyes, smash your balls and when they get tired theyll make your heart dog-food.

Ivan half death, scared out of his pants and fearing for his family, whispers with a painful grin he keeps the gold under his tent.

The next moment Sgt. Iliushin rushes to Col. Petrofievs office: Comrade colonel, I ask your permision to report.

Permsion granted. What did Ivan say?

Comrade colonel, excuse me, but he said to go fuck yourself.

And this is for a bonus:

The Annual Bartenders Conference has just voted the cocktail of the year: Vodka and Carrot Juice. The main argument was that when you get drunk at least you can see better.

This is my first post to HUMOR mailing list. Hope you enjoy

A cowboy was captured by some Indians, and, upon his capture, the chief of the tribe explained the rules: You have 3 days before you are killed. Each day you get one wish, but, on the third day you will die.

After this proclamation of promise, the chief asks the cowboy his first desire, but the cowboy says he must talk to his horse first. The chief grants the request, and the cowboy whispers into the horses ear and sends him galloping off.

At sunset, the trusty steed returns with a voluptuous, naked brunette. The cowboy helps the woman from the horses back, takes her into his wigwam and makes love to her all night long.

On the second day, the chief says to the cowboy, This is second day. What is second wish? The cowboy, once again, requests a conference with his horse, and, once again, the horse rides off from the Indian camp. At sunset, the animal returns with a voluptuous, naked red-head. As before, the cowboy takes the woman into his quarters and makes love to her all night long.

On the third day of captivity, the chief goes to the cowboy and says, This is your last day of life. What is last wish before you die?

AGAIN, the cowboy requests to speak with his horse, but, this time, the cowboy does not whisper in the equestrian ear. He grabs the harness and gets nose-to-nose with the horse and screams, THIS TIME BRING THE POSEE!!!!

Jessie James and his gang are attacking a train outside of Oklahoma City. As they go through each car, they line up the travelers and prepare to take all their loot.

As Jesse entered the first car he yelled, Okay, everybody, were going to rape all the men and rob all the women!

Upon hearing this, his brother Frank turned to him and said, ah, Jessie, dont you mean were going to rob all the men and rape all the women?

With that said, a little fairy in the corner pops up and says…

Listen, you heard Jessie…hes the boss!

Un día, va un borracho por las calles de la ciudad y, urgentemente, se detiene a orinar en un poste. En eso está cuando en la casa de enfrente ve un cartel que dice:

VENDO MADRE SIN SENTIMIENTO

El sujeto se pasa la mano por los ojos y vuelve a leer pensando que había leído mal, y ve el mismo texto. Como puede toma de su saco papel y lápiz y escribe la dirección de la casa.

Al día siguiente se levanta; ve el papel sobre la mesa y recuerda el cartel y se dirige a la dirección que estaba anotada en el papel. Cuando llega allí, ve con detenimiento el cartel y lee:

VENDO MADERA, ZINC Y CEMENTO

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.



The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.



People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE.



The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.



After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position?



The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!