Old and New Jokes

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck cant do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

 
AgeFAVORITE DRINK
16beer
21bourbon
30vodka
45double vodka
70Maalox
 
AgeSEDUCTION LINE
16My parents are away for the weekend.
21My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
30My fiancee is away for the weekend.
45My wife is away for the weekend.
70My second wife is dead.
 
AgeFAVORITE SPORT
16sex
21sex
30sex
45sex
70napping
 
AgeDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
16tongue
21breakfast
30She didnt set back my therapy.
45I didnt have to meet her kids.
70Got home alive.
 
AgeFAVORITE FANTASY
16getting to third
21airplane sex
30menage a trois
45taking the company public
70Swiss maid/love slave
 
AgeHOUSE PET
16roaches
21stoned-out college roommate
30Irish setter
45children from his first marriage
70Barbi
 
AgeWHATS THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
1621
2130
3045
4570
7016
 
AgeIDEAL DATE
16Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
21Split the check before we go back to my place
30Just come over.
45Just come over and cook.
70sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
 

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, Congratulations sir, Youre the father of twins. What a coincidence the man said with some obvious pride. I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team. The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, You sir, are the father of triplets. Wow, Thats really an incredible coincidence he answered. I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down. An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man – who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. Dont tell me! Another coincidence? asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said I dont believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel. After hearing this, everybodys attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven…
I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven…
I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven…

The hillbilly woman went to the hospital to have her
first child. A year later she was back for a second
child. The next year, almost like clockwork, she was
back for her third child. The hospital staff
naturally began to expect her, and she was there,
just like clockwork.

In the twelfth year – she didnt show, and the staff
wondered what happened…A couple of years later she
shows up, but shes not pregnant. The hospital staff
wondered what happened- did her husband die, or what?
When asked why she hadnt been there having a baby
the past couple of years, she replied No, no more.
Found out what was causin it.

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, Sure, do that before I kill them!

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, Where is God?

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, Where is God?

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boys nose, and asked, Where is God?

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, We are in BIG trouble!

The older boy asked, What do you mean, BIG trouble?

His brother replied, God is missing and they think we did it.

A Native American, who hung an eagle feather from her mortarboard at graduation, wont be getting a diploma.

Neither will the two African Americans who wore multicolored tribal cloth with their gowns at the Muskogee, OK High School graduation.

According to the school district in this redneck town immortalized by Merle Haggard, the kids broke the dress code and wont receive their diplomas and transcripts until they complete 25 days of summer school as punishment. The three students are asking the American Civil Liberties Union to help them sue.

Says Native American Danaj Battese Trudell, Im not going to be defined by the white man anymore.

Based on a story from AP.

You might be a redneck if…
Your huntin dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

There was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going to have sex, so they decided on a code of writing a letter. One day, Daddy said to his daughter, Tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write a letter. The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said,

The red ribbon is coming out, not now. The girl went back to the daddy and told him.

One day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a letter. Daddy replied, Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.

8. Thou shalt make thy programs purpose and structure clear to thy fellow man by using the One True Brace Style, even if thou likest it not, for thy creativity is better used in solving problems than in creating beautiful new impediments to understanding.

A cop pulls over a guy.
Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?

Gee, officer, the man says.

Your eyes are awfully glazed — have you been eating doughnuts?