Old and New Jokes

Una mujer estaba dándose vuelo con el amante, cuando, de pronto, escuchan que el marido había entrado al departamento depués de un viaje de dos semanas…

¡Pronto! grita la mujer ¡quédate aquí parado como si fueras una estatua!

El amante obedece y, en eso, entra el marido al cuarto….

Mujer -dice el estupido cornudo- ¿qué hace este hombre desnudo aquí en mi habitación?

No querido, no -dice ella nerviosa- no es un hombre… es un robot de última generación, hecho para satisfacer sexualmente. Fíjate en la piel, tócalo. ¿Verdad que están llegando a límites insospechables en eso de la creación de robots?

Está bien, prepárame algo de comer que el viaje me dejó hambriento y con deseos de hacer el amor…

Uy amor, estoy con la menstruación.

Úta… bueno… entonces prepárame algo de comer…

La mujer se va a la cocina y el marido observa al amante y decide que si servía para la mujer, debería servir también para el hombre, así es que lo coloca en cuatro patas para atacarlo por Detroit y, justo cuando iba a entrar a matar a fondo, el robot hace un anuncio:

E-r-r-o-r d-e-l s-i-s-t-e-m-a. Z-o-n-a e-q-u-i-v-o-c-a-d-a.

Fúrico, el tipo levanta al robot, lo acerca a la ventana y justo cuando estaba a punto de lanzarlo desde el piso 22, se escucha otro mensaje:

F-a-l-l-a r-e-s-u-e-l-t-a… P-r-u-e-b-e o-t-r-a v-e-z

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

Madam, said the sales manager, the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, Nelson. The radio responded, Ricky or Willie? She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, thats what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying On The Road Again when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

Idiot! she yelled and, from the radio, Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

An older woman went to the gynecologist.

He told her she was in perfect health, had the body of an eighteen-year-old. She was so excited she ran home to tell her husband.

Oh yeah? he said snidely. What about your fat ass?

He didnt say anything about you.

There were three jazz players getting ready for a concert. One got done early so he went to a Burger King. He went up to the manager who got mad easily and said,I want a burger 2,3,4, a juicy burger 2,3,4, not too juicy and not too plain in the grove 2,3,4, in the grove 2,3,4. The manager decided not to let this guy bother him. Now the second jazz player comes in and says,I want some fries 2,3,4, some salty fries 2,3,4, not too salty and not too plain in the grove 2,3,4, in the grove 2,3,4. Now the manager is mad and says,If one more person comes in here and sings that stupid joke Im going to scream! So the third jazz player comes in and says,I want a soda 2,3,4, a fizzy soda 2,3,4, not too fizzy and not too plain in the grove 2,3,4, in the grove 2,3,4. Now the manager is furious and turns around, takes off his apron and says,Kiss my butt 2,3,4, my hairy butt 2,3,4, not to the left and not to the right in the grove 2,3,4, in the grove 2,3,4!

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.

God replied, A million years to me is just like a single second to you.

The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.

God replied, A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to
you.

Then the young man got his courage up and asked, God, could I have one
of your pennies?

God smiled and replied, Certainly, just a second.

Famous Bumper Stickers

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isnt so hot either!

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, its an amusement park.

Your child may be an honor student but youre still an idiot.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician!!

Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

If we are what we eat; Im cheap, fast, and easy.

A brunette walks into a bar and says, Gimme an M L. The bartender says, " Whats an M L? She says, A Miller Light.

Another Brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L. The bartender says, Whats a B L?" She says, Bud Light.

A dumb blonde walks in and says, Gimme a 15. The bar tender says, Whats a fifteen? She says, 7&7, duh!"

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Irma!
Irma who?
Irma big girl now!