Old and New Jokes

Whats new? Most of my wife.

How many recovering alcoholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it takes twelve steps to finish the job, and even then, they just take it one day at a time.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

I assume, she snarled, that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six oclock in the morning?!

There is, he replied. Breakfast!

santa singh finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and hes in serious financial trouble. Hes so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.

Oh Bhagwan, please help me, Ive lost my business and if I dont get some money, Im going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto. Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, Ive lost my business, my house and Im going to lose my car as well. Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!

Back to the temple… My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? Ive lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I dont often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why wont you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God: SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK



Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesnt Like



Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantecs AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsofts Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.



Frankly, weve never heard of a virus that couldnt spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected, said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDCs infectious disease unit.



The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook, said Nick Brown, Britains Agriculture Minister.



By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere. However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as I Love You, Bubbleboy, Anna Kournikova, and Naked Wife, to name but a few.



Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: Its not that we dont trust the research, its just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established knowledge. This one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow.



Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlooks patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.



Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, Doesnt everything? she recalled.



Who wouldve thought?

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson, so she dresses up like Satan and decides to hide in the dark and scare him when he gets home. So the man comes home and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, You dont scare me I am married to your sister!

Q: Whats the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

A: You dont have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Ted and his wife where waiting at the bus stop with Harry, his spouse and Harrys nine children.

At last the bus drew up, packed with poeple.

The two women, and the nine children managed to get on. but the men where left behind and had to walk.

After trotting along the road for an hour, Teds walking stick got on Harrys nerves with its continual tapping.

Why dont you put a rubber on that stick! Harry complained.

Ted snapped back If youd put a rubber on your stick, wed have got on that blasted bus.

Llega un borrachito a su casa, golpea la puerta y le grita a su mujer, ¡Mi Amor! ¡Prepárate para tres polvos!

La esposa sale por la ventana y le responde:

Mi vida, veo que vienes caliente.

Y el borrachito le responde:

¡No, es que vengo con dos amigos!

Youve ever said, I cant wait to get into business school.