Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers that, If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.

No, Clinton says, That would be an ACCIDENT.

A girl raises her hand. If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside…that would be a tragedy.

Im afraid not, explains Clinton. That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

What? asks Clinton, Isnt there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy.

Wonderful! Clinton beams. Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?

Well, says the boy, because it wouldnt be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. Youre adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. Youre using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, Hows my driving? Call 1 800 ******.

6. Everyones head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Youre convinced theres a God and hes male.

8. Youre counting down the days until menopause.

9. Youre sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

They both have boys pants half off.

Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
worlds population.

A zealous Christian who was trying to convert a Hindu found himself getting nowhere. The thing is, argued the frustrated Christian, you have to be born again! But I have been born again! insisted the Hindu. And again and again and again …

The mother had the tough job of telling her daughter, who had just returned from school, that her dog Paddy had died. The daughter said OK and went out to play.

An hour later she came into the house and asked where Paddy was. I told you that Paddy died the mother said.

At this the girl started to cry bitterly.

Why are you crying now, and when I told you before, you didnt cry?, the mother asked.

Paddy!!, the girl responded, I thought you said Daddy!