Old and New Jokes

Whats black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman Pinscher.

61. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?

A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

62. Q: Whats the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

A1: Introduces themself.

A2: Walks home.

63. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said DONT WALK.

64. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

A: Fertilised.

65. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?

A: Unfertilised.

66. Q: Whats the first thing a blonde does after sex?

A: Opens the car door.

67. Q: Whats a blondes idea of safe sex?

A: Locking the car door.

68. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?

A: Kick open the car door.

69. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was disappointed when she got her drivers license?

A: The instructor gave her an F in sex.

70. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?

A: More head room.

71. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?

A: More leg room.

72. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

73. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

74. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off.

75. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

76. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A: An Air Bag.

77. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?

A: Cause she blows the horn!!!!!

78. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A: She saw 911 on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

79. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?

A: Bucket seats.

80. Q: What do Blondes say after sex?

A1: Thanks Guys.

A2: Are you boys all in the same band/team?

A3: Do you guys all play for the Rams?

It was the night of the worst blizzard of the year. The streets were filled with drifting snow, and the winds were howling fiercely. A man, covered with snow and frost, enters a bakery. He says to the baker, Ill have one roll.

The baker wraps the one roll and asks if theres anything else he can get him.

No, thats it, says the man, just one roll.

The baker says, You came out on the worst night of the year to buy just one roll?

The man says, Yes, for just one roll.

The baker asks, Are you married?

The man says, Of course. Do you think my mother would send me out on a night like this?

From: Management

To: All Employees

Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality in the work and productivity
from our employees, it will now be our policy to regularly train everyone
through our longstanding program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than other offices. If you
feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your
supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list.

As you know, our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who dont take S.H.I.T. will be placed in
the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who
fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to attend the supplemantal
program, EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your supervisors
took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they dont have to take S.H.I.T.
anymore. Obviously, they are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may qualify for the supervisory or training
position, either giving S.H.I.T. to fellow employees or training other to take
S.H.I.T. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.
S.H.I.T.). Those of you who become skilled in B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the
S.H.I.T. jobs and eventually apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY
PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please direct
them to: HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, Dont put all your eggs in one basket.

Next is Lucy. Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, dont count your chicks before they are hatched.

Billy is last to speak. He says, My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, Dont mess with Uncle Ted when hes been drinking.

Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.

Youve ever invited friends over to show off whats left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.

You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.

The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.

Q: What is the difference between Clintons health care plan and a kidney stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.

This guy decides hes going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldnt have to keep using your bra. He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldnt have to keep using your girdle. Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldnt need to keep sleeping with your brother.

Una niñita llega a casa llorando y su madre le pregunta:

Pero hija, ¿qué te pasa?

Es que en la clase de educación sexual nos han dicho que los niños nacen por donde se mete el pene.

Si hija, pero eso no es para llorar, ¿no?

Es que tengo miedo de que al nacer el hijo de Jaimito, me rompa los dientes.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. I would like to buy this TV, she told the salesman. Sorry, we dont sell to blondes, he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman I would like to buy this TV. Sorry, we dont sell to blondes, he replied. Darn, he recognized me, she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. I would like to buy this TV. Sorry, we dont sell to blondes, he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed How do you know Im a blonde? Because, he replied, thats a microwave.