Old and New Jokes

Why was Tigger lickin the toilet?
Cause he was lookin for Pooh!

Una monja va a visitar a un familiar en una ciudad vecina cuando su coche de descompone en plena carretera. Entonces, un chofer de camión se ofrece a llevarla a la ciudad. Después de un rato, el chofer empieza a acariciar los muslos de la monja.

Ella dice solamente: Mateo 1:13.

El chófer retira la mano y sigue conduciendo. Después de un rato trata de nuevo, pero la monja solamente dice: Mateo 1:13.

Finalmente llegan a su destino y la monja baja y el chófer continúa su camino hasta llegar a un hotel donde se hospeda. En la habitación, encuentra una biblia y lee Mateo 1:13 que dice:Estás en el camino correcto.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to
me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead
in the sand. Mommy, what happened to him? the little boy asked. He
died and went to Heaven, I replied. My son thought a moment and then
said, And God threw him back down?

A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, Well, Ive always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger? Done, said the genie and disappeared.



Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his size. Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where hed met the genie.



Problem? inquired the genie. Yes, the man responded, Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish? And what might that be? asked the genie.



Could you make my legs longer?

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they werent going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

Whats logic? asked Bubba.

The professor answered, Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?

I sure do, answered the redneck.

Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, replied the professor.

Thats real good, the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.

Impressed, the redneck shouted, AMAZIN!

And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.

Betty Mae! This is incredible!

Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual, said the professor.

Youre absolutely right! Why, thats the most fascinatin thing I ever heard of! I caint wait to take this here logic class.

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

So, what classes are ya takin? he asks.

Math, history and logic, replies Bubba.

Cooter says, What in tarnation is logic?

Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?

No.

Youre a queer, aint ya?

Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

Question-If you go to a hospital how would you know witch one was the head nurse????????

Answer- The one with the dirty knees….

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadnt seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and hes got a purple heart on!



His mother replied, I dont give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses for a couple hours.

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.

Involvement with the patients suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.

It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctors presence or under his direct care.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.