Old and New Jokes

What did the blonde say when she got pregnant?Are you sure its mine?

THE COLONEL TO THE EXECUTIVE: At nine oclock tomorrow there, will be an eclipse of the sun, something which does not occur every day. Get the men to fall out in the company street in their fatigues so that they will be able to see this rare phenomenon. Should it rain we will not be able to see anything, so take the men to the gym.

THE EXECUTIVE TO THE CAPTAIN: By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at nine oclock, there will be an eclipse of the Sun; if it rains, you will not be able to see it from the company street, so then, take the men in fatigues to the gym. The eclipse of the Sun will take place in the gym, something that does not occur every day.

THE CAPTAIN TO THE LIEUTENANT: By order of the Colonel in fatigues tomorrow at nine oclock in the morning the inauguration of the eclipse of the sun will take place in the gym. The Colonel will give the order if it should rain, something which occurs every day.

THE LIEUTENANT TO THE SERGEANT: Tomorrow at nine oclock the Colonel in fatigues will eclipse the Sun in the gym, as it occurs every day. If it is a nice day you will fall out in the company street.

THE SERGEANT TO THE CORPORAL: Tomorrow at nine the eclipse of the Colonel in fatigues will take place because of the Sun. If it rains in the gym, something which does not take place every day, you will fall out in the company street.

COMMENTS AMONG THE PRIVATES: Tomorrow, if it rains, it looks as if the Sun will eclipse the Colonel in the gym. It is a shame that this does not occur every day.

There were these three women. One blonde, one red, and one brunet. They were all about to be shot. One by one. When the brunet came up, the man asked Do you have any last words before you die?

The brunet said No.

Then the man said, Ok. Ready, aime…

then before the man could finish the bunet yelled, Earthquake!! Then everyone ran and so escaped. Then when the red head came up, the man said, Do you have any last words before you die?

The red head said, No.

Then the man said, Ok. Ready, aime…

then before the man could finish the red head yelled, Tornando!! Then everyone ran and the red head escaped. Then when the blonde came up, the man said, Do you have any last words before you die?

The blonde said, No.

Then the man said, Ok. Ready, aime…

then before the man could finish the blonde yelled, FIRE!!

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

An Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.

The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative
venture is taking place, and that he never expected the English to go
to such trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe.

Oh thats nothing, says the Englishman, You should have seen the
trouble we had digging the Channel in the first place!

Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to
assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.The best submissions SWISS ARMY KNIFE –male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.KIDNEYS — female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.TIRE — male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light
a fire under it… and, of course, theres the hot air part.SPONGES — female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.WEB PAGE — female, because it is always getting hit on.SHOE — male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.COPIER — female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are
pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.ZIPLOC BAGS — male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.
SUBWAY — male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.HOURGLASS — female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.HAMMER — male, because it hasnt evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but its handy to have around.REMOTE CONTROL — female…Ha! You thought Id say male. But consider,
it gives man pleasure, hed be lost without it, and while he doesnt always
know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria were

discussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from New

York City said, Well, I have discovered men are all alike!

Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped the

table. Gal, she said, men are all Ah like, too!

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar! Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, Man, how many bars do you work at?

Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.The first began: Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England.The second replied: Thats nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics.The third said: A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horses ass and a ten gallon hat. Last year he became president of the United States.