One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop. The guy rolls down the window and says, How can I help you? I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat? With a smile in his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop. A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, What can I do for you? I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink? Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not stop no matter what. To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, Let me guess. Youre the blue jerk of the highway, and just what do YOU want? Drivers license and registration, please.
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDAs suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
A man that was drinking all day goes into a bar. He demands a beer and is denied. Yet he keeps asking the bartender. Finally the bartender grabs him and throws him out. Another man is walking by and the man who was thrown out stops him. He says hey Ill bet you 100 dollars that Im Jesus Christ. The man walking by laughs at him and says make it 500 dollars and you got yourself a bet. The man claiming to be Jesus says come with me into this bar and Ill prove it. So they walk in and sit down at the bar. Suddenly the bartender comes from the back of the bar and sees the man he threw out. Angrily the bartender looks toward the man he just threw out and says Jesus Christ I told you to stay out of here. The man walking by looks amazed and pays the man his 500 dollars.
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
Who wants to know?
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. Theres no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe its a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusics Speakers Corner – rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
One day a man took his poodle to the veterinarian. As he walked into the waiting room, he noticed a very attractive young woman with her Great Dane.
He sits next to her, trying desperately to think of *something* to say to this woman. The best he can come up with is, Thats a big dog.
She smiles, and leans over to pat his dog on the head. She turns and says, Yes, he is. Now, whats wrong with your little dog?
He replies, Well, hes a male dog, you see. And whenever we have company over, he trys to introduce various bits of himself to their shins. Its become a problem, so Im here to take care of it.
So, why are you and your really big dog here? Hes really hitting it off with her!
Well, my dog is male too. I have the same problem with him: when I bend over in the kitchen, he jumps up behind me, puts his paws on my shoulders and, well,…
Oh, yes, I see, the man interrupts. So youre hear to get him fixed too?
Oh no,… to get his nails clipped.
This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.
“Hey, whats that?â€
“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.â€
“Can I try?†The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.
“Ducks? I didnt wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!â€
“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?â€
One of the worst positioning of headlines occurred in the San Jose
Mercury News on the day that former baseball player Dave Dravecky
announced that he would have his arm amputated and the Chicago Bulls
won the NBA title.
Front page – Next to each other:
DRAVECKY TO LOSE ARM THE BULLS PULL IT OFF
—==( Forwards beamed into deep space )==—
Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?
Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology. (Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
(Riker looks puzzled.) What the hell is Microsoft?
(Data turns to answer.) Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.
But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Wont they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?
Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.
Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.