Old and New Jokes

Yo mama nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat!

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door.

When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question.

Again, not amused , she screamed get the hell away.

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door.

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.

The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and tell him to keep away from my wife.

Tommy Lees………………Camp Kickachick
Monica Lewinskys………Camp Suckaweewee
President Clintons……….Camp Getahoochie
Ellen DeGeneress……..Camp Lickacoochie
Kenneth Stars……………..Camp Catchacrook
O.J. Simpsons…………….Camp Killachick
Lorena Bobbits…………..Camp Cutaweewee
Tonya Hardings………….Camp Clubaknee
Susan Smiths……………….Camp Blameabrotha
Pamela Lees……………….Camp Lottatatas
Michael Jacksons……….Camp Wannabewhitey
Louis Farakahns…………Camp Killawhitey

Una muchacha se va a confesar con el cura y le comienza a decir: padre he venido a confesarme porque tengo muchos pecados.

El cura, que tiene problemas con el alcohol y estaba bebiendo en ese momento le dice: no te preocupes hija, y empieza que yo te escucho.

La joven le dice: padre, anoche me acosté con Mario el novio de mi hermana. El jueves me acosté con Rubén, el vecino de enfrente.

Continúa hija.

Padre, aquí huele a ron.

El padre le dice: no hagas caso de eso y continúa. Ella sigue: padre, el sábado pasado le chupe el pito a la mitad del equipo de fútbol del colegio; me acosté con mis tres profesores de historia y… pero padre, ¡aquí huele a ron!

El cura disgustado le replica: mira hija, aquí hace rato que me huele a puta y yo no he dicho nada.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on

his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of

hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, Cool it. I am going to set

up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused.

They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent

e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did

some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten

minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky,

thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the

underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted

their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming Its gone!

Its all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past

two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. Wait! He cheated, how did

he do it?

God shrugged and said, Jesus saves.

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the
same day.

Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while
Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized
the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldnt
swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in
Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.

The next day the paperwork got straighted out. On his way up to
Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope How was your
night in Hell?

Very educational. responded the Pope. Ive learned a lot from the
experience, but now Im glad Im going to heaven. Ive been waiting all my
life to meet the Virgin Mary.

Sorry, said Clinton, You should have been there yesterday

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

When you go into court you are putting
yourself in the hands of 12 people that
werent smart enough to get out of jury duty.

There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service, announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before. My friend, asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board? Yes, said the visitor, and after that sermon, Im about as bored as you can get!

I asked God to take away my pain.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away,
but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
Her spirit was whole,
her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a by-product of tribulations;
it isnt granted, it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings.
Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life
so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me love others, as much as he loves me.
And God said … Ah, finally you have the idea.

Yo mama so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she plays like this…

New York, Chicago, New Orleans, L.A.