Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
A: Good morning, Bill.

At a gynecologists convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on The Variation of the Clitoris.

One of the most unusual cases I ever came across, he told his audience, was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon.

Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.

Goldfinger stared him down and replied: I wasnt referring to size but to taste.

Llega la Madre Teresa al cielo y San Pedro le otorga una pequeña corona en reconocimiento por el buen trabajo que realizó en la tierra.

Una semana despues llega la Madre teresa a la oficina de San Pedro y dice:

Me vengo a quejar. La Princesa Diana no hizo nada que no fuera por publicidad y sin embargo tiene una corona mucho más grande que la mía. ¡Exijo una explicación!

San pedro responde:

No se preocupe, Madre, que eso no es una corona. ¡Es el guía del Mercedes que todavía no se lo han podido sacar!

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

Welcome to Heaven, says St. Peter. Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so were not sure what to do with you.

No problem, just let me in. says the Republican.

Well, Id like to but I have orders from higher up. What well do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.

Really, Ive made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven, says the Republican head of state.

Im sorry but we have our rules. And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

Now its time to visit Heaven. So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

Well then, youve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

I dont understand, stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six- year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the blessing?

I wouldnt know what to say, she replied. Just say what you hear Mommy say, my wife instructed.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner!

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

religion
royalty
sex
mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

My God, said the Queen. Im pregnant. I wonder who did it?

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil
and expensive. Its only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer peoples questions
about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed
to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should
be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think its wonderful
that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull
that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesnt run at the moment
so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
Defense funds to fix the vehicle
or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend.
Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues
of abstinence. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you
will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate
Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. Ive had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself
one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at
three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and
his friends were TPing houses. In the future would you like him delivered
to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost
anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye,
whats the big deal?

Learn to deal with it.

Youll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. Ill take care of filing your phone number with
the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised
with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or
telephones. (Im sure that you will find telephones a source of
unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. Im sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tims. Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
Hook On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can
buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying!
Its quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so
they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak
English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she
fashioned out of valley girls/boys and the dred/reggae/yuppie/political
doublespeak. I dont. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has
her roll her Rs. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.
She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced
four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I
am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her,
as she sort of nests in her room and I think that it would be easier to
move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick
which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go
bankrupt with Kristens college but then I am free! If you take the two
oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
teenager. If you take the two girls then I wont feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as
soon as possible as I have already increased the witholding on my W-4 to
cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an
airplane.

Yours Truly,

Bob

Note: The taxpayer in questions added this caveat at a later date:
Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions.

Después de haberse cometido un robo en el convento de monjas, se presentó la Policía.

Pregunta el Policía:

¿Qué es lo que se robaron Madre Superiora?

100 sábanas.

Anote eso, dice el Policía al secretario.

Todas las otras monjas dicen en Coro:

¡Y nos querían envenenar!

Continúa el policía:

¿Otra cosa que les robaron madre?

¡Ah! Sí… se robaron unos vasos.

Anote eso, dice el Policía al secretario.

Otra vez el coro de las monjitas:

¡Y nos querían envenenar!

El Capitán se queda pensativo y pregunta:

¿Cómo es eso que las querían envenenar?

Es que los ladrones nos decían: ¡Si no se callan les echamos unos polvos!

A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.



How can I get to the other side of the river? she shouts loudly.



The other blonde replied What for? You are already on the other side of the river!

Q:what is the cheapest meat you can buy?

A:deer balls because its under a buck.