Old and New Jokes

If it wasnt for venetian blinds it would be curtains for us all.

A teacher wanted one of her pupils to come up with a sentence with the word fascinate in it. A girl put her hand up and said,I went to Disneyland. It was fascinating.

No no, I want you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.

A boy known for his bad language put his hand up and said, My sister´s got a shirt with 12 buttons but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight.

1.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2.Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3.On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4.The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6.Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7.Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8.The patient refused autopsy.
9.The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10.Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11.Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
12.Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13.Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14.She is numb from her toes down.
15.While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
16.The skin was moist and dry.
17.Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18.Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19.She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20.Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
21.I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
22.Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
23.Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
24.The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25.The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
26.Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27.The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
28.Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29.Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30.She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
31.Patient was found in bed with her power mower

At a paternity trial, the blondes lawyer asked, On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as Lovers Lane did the defendant have sexual relations with you?



Yes, whispered the girl, her head bowed.



And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax? the lawyer continued.



Oh no, she replied, Im pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Mazdas.

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and made a meal from the roast you had forgotten in the refrigerator.

She had only some worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you discarded because they were out of style.

She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday – the one you never wore because the colours didnt suit you.

Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked: Is there anything else that your wife doesnt use anymore??

So here we are!!!

A young sub-altern was posted to a British army detachment in the
desert. On his tour of the facility with the master sergeant, he
noticed a group of camels. What are those for? The men use them
when they want to have sex… Dont say another word, sergeant.
That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Get rid of
those camels immediately! Yes, sir.

A few weeks went by and the young officer began to get rather
horny. He called the sergeant over and asked Where are the camels
we used to have? The sergeant replied that he had sold them to a
Bedouin that camped nearby. Take me to them, please.

The officer and the sergeant went over to the Bedouin camp and
found the camels. The officer told the sergeant to leave him alone
with the camels, then picked out the most attractive one, and
proceeded to have sex with the camel.

On the way back to the camp, the officer asked, Sergeant, do the men
actually enjoy sex with the camels? The sergeant looked at the
officer in astonishment and exclaimed, I dont know! They use them
to ride into town where the girls are!

Youre 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.

You think possum is the other white meat.

Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. Your estate is very complex, said the lawyer, but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500.

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said $500, the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. Oh well, she said to herself, $500 for half an hour’s work isn’t bad.

Una chica conoció a un chico y lo invitó a cenar a su casa.

El padre de la chica era catalán (y muy amarrete) y al ver al chico le dió una manzana.

Al otro día la chica invitó al pibe de nuevo y el padre catalán preguntó:

¿Qué hiciste con la manzana?

Y el chico respondió:

Me la comí.

Muy mal, deberías haberla partío en seis, comer una cada día de la semana, con las semillas alimentar a las gallinas y con el huevo que puso la gallina comés el séptimo día. Te voy a dar otra oportunidad.

Entonces agarró el catalán le dió un chorizo.

A la semana la chica lo volvió a invitar, y el padre preguntó:

¿Qué hiciste con el chorizo?

Lo corté en siete pedazos, comí uno cada día de la semana, con la chapita me hice un anillo, con el cordel me hice una pulserita, con la piel hice un preservativo, tuve sexo con su hija y acá tiene la leche para el gato.

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”



The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, “Have we not,” he asked, “a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?”



“None that plays golf very well,” a cardinal said. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”



Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.



“I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the golfer. “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.



“Well,” your Holiness, “I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”



“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.



Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”