A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?†asked the doctor.
“Sure, after the police leave,†replied the attorney.
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called life. Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The failed experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately works.
4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. Then you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. There is no better than here, When your there has become a here, you will simply obtain another there that again, looks better than here.
7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. The answers lie inside you. The answers to lifes questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. What happened? they asked. Well, said Moishe, First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.
Yes, yes,.. and then??? asked the crowd.
I dont know, said Moishe, He took out his lunch, and I took out mine.
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands….
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
Youre running around with other women, she told her mate.
Eve, honey, youre being unreasonable, Adam responded. You know youre the only woman on earth.
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
What do you think youre doing? Adam demanded.
Counting your ribs, said Eve!
Read in a Turkish newspaper:
A tourist goes to the pole, and meets an Eskimo.
During the summer you dont have any nights, and during the winter
you dont have any days… What do you do during that endless summer
day? he asks.
We go fishing, and make love to our women, the Eskimo replies.
The tourist thinks a while, and asks another question:
Then, what do you do during that endless winter night?
Eskimo grins:
We dont go fishing…
Noticia después de las Olimpiadas:
Los atletas españoles se llevan de Sidney 40 medallas de oro y 25 de plata…
…Ya han sido detenidos y puestos a disposición judicial.
Dos amigos conversaban en la barra de un bar y el uno le pregunta:
¿Por qué estás preocupado?
Ya es muy tarde y mi mujer me va a matar.
No te preocupes, llega calladito, te metes bajo las sábanas, le sacas el calzón a tu mujer y le practicas el sexo oral. A ella le va a encantar y no te dirá nada.
El tipo llega a su casa entra despacio se quita la ropa se mete debajo de las sábanas le saca el calzón y le practica el sexo oral. Ella gemÃa y gemÃa, y por fin termina. El se levanta, se va al baño y al entrar ve a su esposa sentada en el baño, asustado le dice:
¿Cómo llegaste acá tan rápido?
La esposa le contesta:
No hagas ruido que mi mamá está durmiendo en nuestra cama.
What does an army general kiss under at christmas? Missile toe
1. How to get rid of nuclear waste:
Sending nuclear waste into the sun is expensive, because of the amount of
energy expended in getting it out of Earths gravity well, which is most
probably more energy than was obtained from the fuel in the first place.
The best way to get rid of nuclear waste is to put it on the government
surplus list. People will bid on anything if they think they are getting
a good deal. And as for the damage it will cause, frankly do you really
care what happens to people stupid enough to buy something that is clearly
marked Hazardous Nuclear Waste?
2. How to fund private space concerns:
This is a twofold problem: first the difficulty with Congress, and second
the lack of funding. Both these problems can be solved in one simple
manner. Make slavery legal again. All the work on the Constitution has
already been done; you merely need repeal the Emancipation Proclamation.
Now, since congressmen are property of the government, put them up for
auction. I know Id like to buy Gore or Helms and have them doing some
heavy, dangerous construction work for me, and I am sure many others would
as well. Then, just send the money into space.
3. How to solve net bandwidth problems:
Make network TV illegal. Since everybody has cable anyway, this wouldnt
have a severe impact in most areas. Give half the bandwidth to the ham
radio operators, then use the rest to establish a nationwide packet radio
network for carrying the alt groups.
4. How to fix the hole in the ozone layer:
Since open-air electric arcs generate ozone, simply replace all the
outdoor sodium and mercury vapor lamps with carbon arcs. This will have
the side benefit of making our cities much brighter, as well as generating
extra revenue for the power companies. Enough ozone will be generated to
surround most cities with a layer of ozone thick enough to block out UV
radiation, preventing skin cancer except among those who go out at night
under the bright arc lamps. But since only muggers and rapists go out at
night in big cities, its okay. This will reduce the crime problem as
well.
5. How to fix the drug problem:
Make drugs legal, then make them a state monopoly controlled by the DEA.
Once the government starts running it, the huge profits will quickly
disappear and it will no longer be lucrative for anyone. The alternative
of course is to let the Grateful Dead control it, and then it will be
free for everybody and the quality will be much higher.
6. How to fix the mideast crisis:
Have the Pope convert all the Jews and Arabs so that they are all Catholic.
This can be done by applying mapcar to the convert operator across all Jews
and Arabs. If required, low flying aircraft spraying holy water may be
employed. Now once everybody is Catholic, they can all go home and have
a nice cup of tea together. The side effect is that this might cause the
area to become like Northern Ireland if the operator is not properly applied.
7. How to fix the crisis in education:
Since students in the past few years have been doing more poorly on
standardized tests, the tests should be made easier so that students can
do better. Also, all standardized tests should be in English so that we
can prove how much better our students are than the Japanese. Colleges
should be forced to have more programs like Business and Education which
dont require the students to think very hard, so that we can have more
college graduates. A college degree is a right, not a privilege.
8. How to fix the space shuttle:
Let Petes Auto Repair take it over. Pete can find the tiniest leaks in
seconds, and fix anything with gaffer tape and sheet steel. I swear that
if anything is broken, Pete can fix it.
9. On the issue of Lithuanian separatism:
Annex Lithuania as a part of the United States, and in exchange give
Alabama to the Soviet Union. This will make the Lithuanians happy to be
in a democratic state, the Soviets happy because they will have an Alabama
to go with their Georgia, and the United States happy because they will get
a foreign market for hog jowls.
10. Disarmament:
Since the Soviet Union and the United States are now at peace, they wont
need any of those nasty nuclear weapons anymore. The missiles can be
used for valuable space payloads, and the warheads can be sold as surplus
to third world nations like Northern Ireland, Libya, Israel, Egypt, and
Yemen, who could actually get some use out of them. Since you can only
use a nuclear bomb once, it seems a shame to let it sit on the shelf and
become obsolete. Also this would generate extra revenue to help in the
savings and loan bailout.
I hope these answers to pressing political questions have been helpful.
–scott
Q. What did George W Bush get on his S.A.T.s?
A. Drool.