Old and New Jokes

Q. How do you drown a blonde?

A. Put a scratch-and-snif sticker on the bottom of the pool.

What do you call a hundred dead [Ethnics] at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover Seder…..

Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot.

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers,

Why is this knight different from all other knights?

Freds convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

I suppose, said his pretty but reluctant date, youre going to pull the old out of gas routine.

No, said Fred, Im going to pull the here after routine.

The here after routine – whats that?, she wanted to know.

If youre not here after what Im here after, youll be here after Im gone.

A butcher in his shop, and hes real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well.

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten pound note there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dogs mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since its close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices its the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. Theres no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heavens sake !, to which the guy responds… Genius me butt – this is the second time this week that hes forgotton his key!

One time President CLINTON was put into a coma and Vice President GORE was put in charge.

The president finally woke up two years later. Then a nurse came over and asked him what he wanted now that he was up.

The President said I really want a nice e hamburger, say how much they cost now?

The nurse said 100 yen.

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?



The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, Ehhhh .. 22!



The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. And can you tell us your height, please?



The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, Five foot two!



This isnt looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?



The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, Mandy!



The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?



Ohh that!, replies the blonde, Thats just me running through Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….

Belles Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is about 0.6. – from a 1977 JIR article of the same title by Daniel McIvor and Olsen Belle, in which it is observed that knowledge of this constant is most useful in planning long-range projects. It is based on such things as an analysis of an eight hour workday in which only 4.8 hours are actually spent working (or 0.6 of the time available), with the rest being spent on coffee breaks, bathroom visits, resting, walking, fiddling around, and trying to determine what to do next.

Device used to catch the Etherbunny.

yo mama sooo dumb she thought taco bell was a mexican phone compaine