Old and New Jokes

Q: Why dont blondes double their recipes?

A: The oven doesnt go to 700 degrees.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry! she said, stand in the corner. She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. Dont move until I tell you to, she whispered. Just pretend youre a statue.

Whats this, honey? the husband enquired as he entered the room. Oh, its just a statue, she replied nonchalantly. The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too. No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. Here, he said to the statue, eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

A man really wanted to go to a ghost town, so he finds one and decides to go.WHile he is there he goes down a long dirt road and comes across an indian. Above the indian reads a sign Ask me anything, I know everything So he decides to ask him, What did you have for breakfast April 23, 1984? The indian replies, EggsThe man replies,Eggs? Well anybody can say eggs.A couple of years later, he decides to go back. He finds himself walking down the same dirt road, and comes across the same indian, with the same sign.He walks up to him and greets him HowThe indian replies, Scrambled

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 5 drinks.

A government grant.

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and hes in serious financial trouble. Hes so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray

God, please help me, Ive lost my business and if I dont get some money, Im going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue.

God, please let me win the lotto, Ive lost my business, my house and Im going to lose my car as well.

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the synagogue.

My God, why have you forsaken me?? Ive lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I dont often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why wont you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

Whistlers Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.

AFROPHOBIA
Fear of the return of the 70s hair styles (or the Jackson Five).

PSEUDONYMHOMANIA
Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name.

DEJA FLU
The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA
Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX
Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX
Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER
Herbal-tea addiction.

VISACARDITIS
The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your
credit limit.

ALPOPLEXY
Canine feeding disorder.

STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME
Excessive displays of affection.

SONSTROKE
An attack during the reading of a will

ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME
Irrational fear that ones infant might be an alien.

POST-DRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER
Formerly David Caruso/Shelley Long Syndrome.

RUMBATOID ARTHRITIS
Joint stiffness caused by La Vida Loca.

OREOPOROSIS
Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

Va un tipo en el colectivo y se tira un terrible pedo:

¡Prrrrrrtatatatprrrrrrrtaa!

El tipo de al lado le dice, sorprendido:

¡Oiga, qué pedo más largo!

Y el otro le contesta:

¡Menos mal que fue largo, que si hubiera sido ancho me rompe el culo!