Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred of the dark!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lena!
Lena who?
Lena little closer and Ill tell you!

Three mice are sitting at a bar late at night in a pretty rough neighborhood trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse downs a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.



The second mouse orders up two shots of bourbon, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.



The first and second mice turn to the third mouse. He lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, I dont have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat.

See photo of interviewers family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: The strawberry ones are the stickiest, dont ya think?

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, Of course I was totally hammered at the time.

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldnt even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadnt stolen your secret patent for 2000 Flushes.

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if its O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or youre not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didnt feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if shell sit on your lap during the interview.

Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; NOW we can begin.

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; smell these, these smell funny to you???

Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, Im sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! she screamed.

Funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her.

Nobodys ugly after 2 a.m.!

One Sunday morning Santas son burst into the living room and said, Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Priya.
After dinner, Santa took him aside, Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. Shes a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Priya is actually your half-sister, and Im afraid you cant marry her.
Son was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, Sonu said yes! We are getting married in June.
Again Santa insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. Sonu is your half-sister too, I am very sorry about this.
Son was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother, Jeeto, with the news.
Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married, he complained. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.
Jeeto just shook her head. Dont pay any attention to what he says, dear. Hes not really your father.

"I never worry
about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats
in a diamond."

~ Mae West

Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years?

Because even then, men couldnt stop to ask directions.