Old and New Jokes

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.

Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face.

Este era un negro al que la naturaleza había armado con una lanza tan grande como la de un caballero andante. Por su naturaleza superdotada, el negro desarrolló la manía de ser muy cogelón. Cuando acabó de tirarse a todas la mujeres de la comarca, el hombre siguió con todo tipo de animales de sangre caliente, machos y hembras. Ya todo el mundo le tenía miedo, hasta las burras, y todo el mundo lo llama el negro cogelón.

Pues un día lo atropelló el tren y murió. Con eso se fue al cielo, donde San Pedro al ver sus antecedentes, lo mandó directo al infierno. El negro rogó y rogó, pero nada, San Pedro firme en su sentencia, lo mandó al infierno.

Pasaron los días, las semanas y los meses, y San Pedro había olvidado al negro cogelón. Pero un día de agosto, en pleno verano, San Pedró sintió que el clima cambiaba bruscamente. Empezó a soplar un aire gélido. Se abrigó y buscó de donde venía ese viento, y no lo podía creer, el viento se originaba por los lares del infierno.

Pidió permiso a Dios y se fue a explorar la causa del frío. Ciertamente en la medida que se acercaba al infierno, todo era frío, vio escarcha, ríos congelados, y esto fue peor cuando finalmente llegó al infierno. Ya no había lava, ni fuego, ni había olor a azufre, en su lugar se veía una niebla espesa y el frío emanaba de todo objeto sólido. Y dentro de la niebla divisó a todos los diablos de espalda contra la pared, tratando de tomar el sol, pero éste no lo lograba penetrar la niebla. En medio de todos estaba Satán, el rey del infierno, dando diente con diente y friccionándose las manos pretendía darse calor.

¿Y por qué hay tanto frío? preguntó San Pedro.

Por tu culpa, respondió Satán.

¿Cómo que por mi culpa?, por favor explícate, dijo San Pedro.

Pues desde que mandaste al negro cogelón nadie se quiere agachar a recoger leña y carbón para los hornos del infierno…

Your momma is so fat, when she stood in the scale to get weighed it read –
(one at a time please!!!!!!)

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapists office. The doctor asked, What can I do for you? The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor re-examined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, Theres nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigour which is to be expected in 67 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, Just exactly what are you trying to find out?

The old man said, Oh, were not trying to find out anything. Shes married and we cant go to her house. Im married, so we cant go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare.

It seems a man in Balham, South London decided to write a book about churches, mosques and synagogues around the country. He started by driving to Scotland and started working south from there.

He went to a very large church and began taking pictures. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign that reads; £10,000.00 a minute. Seeking out the reverend father he asks about the phone and the sign. The reverend father answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

He thanks the reverend and continues on his way. As he visits churches and mosques in Glasgow, Newcastle, Blackpool, Carlisle, Cardiff, Birmingham and London, he finds more phones with the same sign. From each reverend father, vicar mullah and pastor he receives the same answer.

Finally, he arrives into Clayhall, Essex and into a synagogue. Upon entering, low and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign reads; Calls: 25 pence Fascinated, he speaks to the Rabbi. Rabbi I have been in cities all across the country and in each church and mosque I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in all other places of worship the cost was £10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 pence a call. Why?

The Rabbi , smiling benignly, replies; My son, youre in Clayhall, Essex now. Its a local call.

Two teenagers were walking through a park when they saw two rabbits getting it on, fast and furious.

What are they doing? asked the girl.

Theyre jumping rope, said the boy. Maybe Ill teach you how someday.

I think I want you to teach me now, said the girl. So the two went behind some bushes and started getting it on. When the boy had his pants down, the girl asked what that was behind his rope.

That, said the boy, thats my knot.

Well, said the girl, untie the knot and give me some more rope.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Richard Gephart) It doesnt matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; well see how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.

Está un norteño en el lobby-bar de un hotel y se le acerca una guapa chica:

Hola, ¿como estaá?

Qué paso huerca ¿ya nos conocíamos?

No, pero podemos conocernos ¿nos tomamos una copa?

Pos… bebedor bebedor, lo que se dice bebedor, no soy, pero nos latomamos.

Después de varias copas dice la chica:

¿Bailamos?

Pos bailador bailador, lo que se dice bailador, no soy, pero pos bailamos.

Un rato después dice la chica: ¿Vamos a la cama?

Pos dormilón dormilón, lo que se dice dormilón, pos no soy, pero vamos pues.

Después de hacer el amor toda la noche, la dama le dice al norteño:

Bueno, pues me tengo que ir ¿te parece bien que sean cinco mil pesos?

Pos… padrotón padrotón, lo que se dice padrotón pos no soy, pero ahí déjalos en el buró de mi cama…

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, Would you like me to be your friend?

The girl hesitated, then said, Okay, looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, Why are you standing here all alone?

Because, the little girl said with great exasperation, Im the goalie!