Old and New Jokes

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.

"Whenever
I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I cant help but cry. I mean Id love to
be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff." –Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost
a very important part of your life," –Brooke
Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson
for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"Ive never had major knee surgery on any other
part of my body," –Winston Bennett, University
of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one
of the lowest crime rates in the country," –Mayor
Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"Im not going to have some reporters pawing
through our papers. We are the president." –Hillary
Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isnt pollution thats harming the environment.
Its the impurities in our air and water that are
doing it." –Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in
Phoenix." –Dan Quayle
"If we dont succeed, we run the risk of failure."
–Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may
or may not occur." –Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australias imports
come from overseas."–Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that you passed
away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there
is a change in your circumstances."–Department
of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

Betty, I was wondering — have you ever cheated on me?

Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You dont want to ask that question…

Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.

Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.

Three? When were they?

Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?

Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?

Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?

I cant believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldnt have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldnt be more moved. When was number 3?

Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?

Q: How many AnTir-folk does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the new bulb had better be a halogen fog lamp!

Esto es un tío que va a confesar:

Mire, es que iba rodando, rodando y rodando y le follé el culo a un perro.

Uy, eso es un grave pecado,tendrás que subir las escaleras que hay allí diez veces.

Vale muchas gracias.

Al día siguiente, el mismo tío que va al confesionario y le dice al cura:

Mire es que iba rodando, rodando y rodando y le follé el culo a un toro.

¡Uy que grave! tendrás que subir las mismas escaleras de ayer pero veinte veces.

Vale muchas gracias.

Al día siguiente, el mismo hombre que va al confesionario y le dice al cura:

Mire, es que iba rodando,rodando y rodando y le follé el culo a una vaca.

¡Que gravísimo pecado! suba las escaleras de siempre cincuenta veces.

Vale muchas gracias.

Aparece el monaguillo y le dice al cura:

Padre, hay uno en las escaleras que va rodando sin parar.

¡Pues tápate el culo que viene a por nosotrooooooos!

Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story?

He wants Marv Albert to do the interview.

A black a puertorican and a hispanic are all in a car. Whoss driving?

The cops.

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, dont let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, dont let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, dont let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, dont let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

But she said grandmother I didnt let him disgrace the family.

When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!

Cover me, Im going in.