Old and New Jokes

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, I am Napoleon!Another patient asked, How do you know? The first inmate said, Because God told me!Just then, a voice from another room shouted, I did NOT!

Our local cable company recently took over one of the channels and began 24-hour adverstising on it.

One of the programmes is called The Dating Network (TM) and consists of people placing personal ads on for this hour that its on every night.

Cable advertises the show on other stations, and the ad goes something like this: Successful singles dont do to singles bars! They dont go on special singles cruises! No, successful singles use The Dating Network (TM)…

Now, correct me if Im wrong, but isnt the object of going to bars and cruises and The Dating Network (TM) to be *un*successful at being single…?

Turning back to football (some call it soccer!), our local ABC affiliate, the one that blocks out NYPD Blue with Baywatch cause NYPD Blue really isnt quality programming, refuses to cover the World Cup.

They announced that they didnt feel that the audience would be strong enough to show the matches, so theyre instead showing movies during the game. Movies like Blind Date (it had Bruce Willis – if you didnt see it, dont feel left out, cause no one else did either) and Mannequin 2: On the Move.

Boy, Id much rather watch these winners than see a sporting event that takes place once evry four years and for the first time is being played in this *great* country of ours…

-Ben Scripps
Central Michigan University

Looking to buyA man walks into a shop. You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?

Youre a drummer, arent you?

Yeah. Howd you know?

This is a travel agency.

A man at a nursing home took Viagra and went to the lunch room, where the residents were playing Bingo. To get their attention he yelled out, SUPER SEX!, Super Sex!

The ladies yelled back: I want the SOUP!, Soup, Please.

Oh, Id love some soup!

Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.

New Viagra eye drops make you look hard.

Viagra in Spanish, were told, is viejos agradecidos or greated old guys (sic).

Viagra has been a big boon to stand up comedians.

The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, hes hard up.

Viagra in chocolate bars – you eat it, She says, Oh, Oh Henry!

A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: Who put Viagra in the thermometer?

Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name Pepperidge Firm.

Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.



The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. Why all the attention ? the friend asked. You look fine to me.



I know ! grinned the patient. But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required thirty-seven stitches.

Your momma is so fat . . .

She puts mayo on aspirin.

Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.

How does a Jewish American Princess do it doggie-style?

She makes him beg for an hour.

A man goes to his Catholic priest, to confess his sins.

Man: Father, Ive sinned. I went to my Uncles house,
but he wasnt there, and his wife wasnt there, so I talked to
his daughter for five minutes, then I had sex with her.

Priest: Well, its a first offence, so Ill go easy.
A donation of five dollars, and ten Hail Marys will earn you
forgiveness.

Then next day, the man goes back to his priest.

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
I went back to my Uncles house, but he wasnt there,
and his daughter wasnt there, so I talked to his wife
for five minutes, then I had sex with her.

Priest: Thats twice. Youd better not do it again.
A donation of twenty dollars, and forty Hail Marys and
Ill forgive you. But Id better not see you again for a while.

The day after that, the man goes back to his priest.

Priest: You again? I thought I said I didnt want to see you for a
while

Man: But, father, I went to my Uncles house again today.
He wasnt there, his wife wasnt there, and his daughter wasnt there.
So, I thought Id come and talk to you for five minutes.

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity,
approached
her.

My dear, I couldnt help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate, he stated.

Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money, and what I
dont need, I give to the church.

Thats wonderful, but how much does he send you? the priest asked.

He sends me $2,000 every week, she replied proudly.

Your son must be very successful, said the priest. May I ask what
does
he do for a living?

He is a veterinarian, she answered.

That is a very honourable profession, the priest assured her. Where
does
he practice?

Well, she replied, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in
New Orleans.