Old and New Jokes

This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, hed have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, Ive just got to marry this woman, I love her so much…

So the doctor says, Well, its risky, but okay. So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure.

Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%.

The guy looks up and says, Mama Mia!

A young man walks up and sits at the bar. What can I get you? the bartender inquires.



I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, responded the young man.



6 shots! Are you celebrating something?



Yeah, my first blow job.



Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.



No offense, sir. But if 6 shots wont get rid of the taste, nothing will.

Why dont [ethnics] drink much milk?

Because they cant fit the cow into the refrigerator.

A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed
against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
hands. Hes moaning something about They took my car!. Seeing he is quite
well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and
proceeds to question the man.

What are your car keys doing out?

My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those ba**ards stole it!
Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my
key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!

OK, OK, stand up, lets get some more information. (he stands the man up,
and notices his penis is hanging out). Aw s**t mister, your dick is hanging
out, would you put that thing away!

The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, Oh my God,
they stole my girlfriend!

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. But, because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you noticeanything different about me?" The gentleman answered, "Why yes I couldnt help but notice you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out.The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well… you have no ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out.The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man you are. How in the world did you know that?"The young man replied, "Well, its pretty hard to wear glasses with no fricking ears!"

You might be a redneck if…
Youve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he doesnt know where it came from.
Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.

A woman went to the beach with her children.

Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

Mommy, what happened to him? the little boy asked.

He died and went to heaven, she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, And God threw him back down?

Una señora acaba de dar a luz y es llevada a su cuarto en el hospital. De pronto entra la enfermera junto con el doctor, el cual trae al bebé colgando agarrado por un solo pie. En ese instante el doctor tira al bebe contra el piso y lo empieza a patear por todo el cuarto. La madre, aterrada, empieza a gritar ¡AUXILIO! ¡AUXILIO!

En eso se acerca la enfermera y le dice:

Tranquilícese señora, es sólo una broma ¡EL NIÑO NACIO MUERTO!

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. The woman then responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.



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Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive?

Customer: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet,and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?



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Tech Support: Ok Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I dont have a P.

Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech Support: P on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: Im not going to do that!



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Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: Id like a mouse mat, please.

Salesperson: Certainly sir, weve got a large variety.

Customer: But will they be compatible with my computer?



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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.



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Customer: Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?



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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:

Customer: Hi. Is this the Internet?



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Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to The Internet.



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Customer: So thatll get me connected to the Internet, right?

Tech Support: Yeah.

Customer: And thats the latest version of the Internet, right?

Tech Support: Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.



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Tech Support: All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.

Customer: Thats why I hate this Windows — because of the icons — Im a Protestant, and I dont believe in icons.

Tech Support: Well, thats just an industry term sir. I dont believe it was meant to —

Customer: I dont care about any Industry Terms. I dont believe in icons.

Tech Support: Well…why dont you click on the little picture of a file cabinet…is little picture ok?

Customer: [click]



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Customer: My computer crashed!

Tech Support: It crashed?

Customer: Yeah, it wont let me play my game.

Tech Support: All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.

Customer: No, it didnt crash — it crashed.

Tech Support: Huh?

Customer: I crashed my game. Thats what I said before. Now it doesnt work.

Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.

Tech Support: Click on File, then New Game.

Customer: [pause] Wow! Howd you learn how to do that?