Old and New Jokes

Osama bin Laden threatened Russia: If you get caught up in this war… Ill hide from you too!

Another fine item from the minds of Intel engineers with a tad too much time on their hands:

Top 10 things to do while waiting for Windows 95

Try to fix all the other Windows stuff that aint working.
Buy stock in the company thatll be making all those (96) stickers.
Tease Microsoft for not having a great code name like OS/2 does.
Move to Seattle to save money on support calls and hear Frasier every morning to boot.
Think up some more theyll have a version for it soon excuses.
E-mail technet@microsoft.com every day asking Is it done yet?
Lobby to get name changed to BOB – Profesional Edition.
Corner local Prozac and Mountain Dew markets, ransom to Microsoft development staff.
Consider renaming all in-house applications to something 95 to avoid deadlines.
Quit job, become sanitation engineer with decent pay and can-eat benefits.

Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.

The first man says to the other, If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.

After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.

The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.

The man answers, Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.

How do Chinese people choose names for their kids?

– They drop a metal pot down the stairs,
Ping-tong Bang-twang.

A little boys dog swims out to see and gets into difficulties in the big waves.

The little boy screams: Help! Help! My little dog is drowning!

A passing rabbi hears his pathetic cries, sees the poor dog and leaps into the sea fully clothed. He swims out, grabs the dog, swims back to shore and gives to dog mouth-to-mouth. The dog is saved and runs off happily.

O thank you, thank you, says the little boy. You must be a vet.

Am I a vet? Im a-soaking, exclaims the rabbi.

Rufus bought his wife Lula-bell a bouquet of twelve long-stemmed roses for her birtday. Lula-bell gave him a big, close, hug and a long, deep, kiss.

Then she wispered in his ear I guess Im just gonna spend all night on my back with my legs in the air.

Rufus thought about it for a minute, then said, You dont have to do that, honey. I bought you a vase to put the flowers in.

Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected
many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books – Humor in the
Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From
Mrs. Gilmans two volumes, here are some transquips:


Q. What is your brother-in-laws name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. Whats his first name?
A. I cant remember.
Q. Hes been your brother-in-law for years, and you cant remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you Im too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for Gods sake, tell them your first name!
——–
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
——–
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
——–
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
——–
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
——–
Q. Are you married?
A. No, Im divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didnt know about.
——–
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
——–
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
——–
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
——–
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
——–
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
——–
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
——–
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldnt pronunciate his words.
——–
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
——–
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
——–
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
——–
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dogs ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
——–
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
——–
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
——–
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
——–
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?
——–
Q. …and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
——–
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didnt offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
——–
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didnt see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
of my head.
——–
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
——–
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said shed kill that sonofabitch – and
she did!
——–
Q. Do you drink when youre on duty?
A. I dont drink when Im on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
——–
Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
——–
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
——–
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
——–
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isnt it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
——–
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
——–
Q. (Showing man picture.) Thats you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
——–
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand.

The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. Not guilty, the woman answered emphatically.

The crown council then approached the woman and said: Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf – who was waving a flag – on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100Km through the centre of Winnipeg, in a blizzard … and you were totally nude?

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said … What was the date again?

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of
sand, etc.)
Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the
door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, Trick or
Treat! Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, Top Secret in
big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say,
Its about time you got here, give them the briefcase, and quickly shut
the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters
come to the door, say, Come in. When they do, have everyone yell,
Surprise!!! Act like its a surprise party.
Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure
out whats wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural
whirring sound.
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the
street, and yell, Crawl for it!
When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act
shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door
and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give
them any candy.
Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order
their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who
comes within 50 yards of your house.
When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window,
crashing through
the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters
for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain
that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
Answer the door with a mouthful of M & Ms and several
half-eaten candy
bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a
few seconds, and insist that you dont have any candy.
Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on
your porch.
Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open
the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the
door when youre finished.