Old and New Jokes

Where do lady ghosts go for haircuts?

The Boo-ty Parlor!

Clinton: I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade.
Reporter: Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!

Responding to a woman who accidentally walked into a mens toilet:

Please dont feel bad. It wasnt you entering the mens washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. Its rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the toilet, start to piss, and then just start spinning around just so I make sure I hit something.
You see something you ladies should understand by now is that mens penises have minds of their own. A guy can go into a toilet stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg and onto his shoe. Im telling you those little buggers cant be trusted.

After being married for 28 years, my wife has me trained. Im no longer allowed to pee like a man – standing up. Im required to sit down and piss. She has me convinced that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a piss-soaked seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now theres another thing us guys dont usually like to talk about, but since you and I have become such good friends and you think Im a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because its a real problem and you ladies need to be understanding.

Its the dreaded morning wood. Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to piss and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you cant get that thing to bend and if it wont bend you cant aim. Well hell, if you cant aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and the damn fuzzy toilet seat cover that you women insist on putting on the toilet.

So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when youre newly married, you think you can get the toilet seat with the damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your willie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, its just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife.
I told her, Look, it wont bend.
She said, So sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.

OK, I tried sitting down on the toilet with morning wood.

Well, its very hard to get it bent under the seat and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the seat, when you start to pee it shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs onto that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split-second precision, but its the only sure way to get all the piss in the bowl during the first morning session.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

Its not our fault; its Mother Nature. Now if it were Father Nature, there wouldnt have been a problem.

Un feligrés va a confesarse:

Padre, debo confesarle que me gusta decir charadas.

¿Y qué son charadas, hijo?, pregunta el sacerdote.

Verá, si usted me pregunta qué es una charada, yo le digo: en el culo le pongo una puntada.

Más respeto al señor cura.

Sí, pero en el culo le pongo una costura.

Ya enojado, el sacerdote le grita:

¡Queda usted excomulgado!

Bien, pero le queda el culo remendado.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit
patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit
microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that cant stand 1 bit of
competition.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?

A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

A business man from France checks into a High class hotel. He checks into his room and ready to nap when he heard a nock on the door.

(knock knock)

Man: Who iz it!

Maid: The maid sir. would you care for fresh sheets on your bed.

Man: Go away!! I dont carez for any fresh shit on my bed.

Confused, the maid leaves the sheets outside his door. Later that evening the French man decides to go down to the hotel restraunt and have dinner.

Before ordering the waiter asks: Sir, can I interest you in a glass of wine and a clean fork on your table.

Man: Excuzzze me! But I dont care to have a clean fuck on the table. I shall dine elseware.

So he exits the restraunt, and proceeds to dine across the street. While walking. A bum approaches and ask him for a dollar. The french man pulls out a dollar. Thinking this is an American tradition in this country.

The bum replys: Thank you sir. (holds up two fingers) Peace to you man!!

Man: Oh Ya! Well piss on you too hippie!!!

One sardu was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane.He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.

After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat.But the sardaji told:I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave. The old lady then complained to the air hostess .The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat.But sardarji was adament and did not leave.Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt.He also came and requested,but in vain.Finally the Captain came.He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji,and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat.

Astonished,the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt afterwards what he told to the sardarji.Capt. told :nothing.Ijust told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh.All others will go to Jalandhar.

THINGS YOULL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

10. Never introduce me to the people youre with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate.

Una mujer quería comprar un auto usado, así que entró a MercadoLibre y buscó en la sección de autos. En una de las subastas leyó:

Mercedes Benz nuevo, azul, totalmente equipado. Se vende por 1000 pesos.

La mujer estaba realmente sorprendida por el increíble precio así que puso su oferta en la subasta y ganó. Después de contactar a la vendedora del auto, se puso de acuerdo con ella para ver al auto y, para su sorpesa, vio que era un Mercedes en perfectas condiciones. La mujer le preguntó a la vendedora:

Oiga, ¿cuál es el truco? ¿Por qué vende este auto tan barato?

Bueno, es el auto de mi marido. Recientemente salió de viaje con su joven secretaria. La semana pasada recibí un telegrama de él que decía: Estoy en Miami. Necesito dinero. Vende auto.