* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast-food bags out of the back seat of your car.
* Your reason for not staying in better touch with your family is that they dont have E-mail addresses.
* Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPNs homepage to your bookmarks.
* You have a to do list that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks –and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
* You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
* Standard pick-up lines now include references to liquid assets and capital gains.
* You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored sticky notes.
* Your grocery list has been on the front of your fridge so long some of the products dont even exist any longer.
* You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on how to improve their production and marketing processes.
* You get all excited when its Saturday — and that just means you can wear your sweats to work.
* You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
* You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what it is you do for a living.
* You typically eat out of vending machines, and at the most expensive restaurant in the city, within the same week.
* You think that progressing an action plan and calendarizing a project are standard and acceptable English phrases.
* You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.
* You ask your friends to, think out of the box when making Friday night plans.
* You think Einstein would have been more effective if he put his ideas into matrix.
* You think a half day means leaving at 5 oclock.
* You hear most of your jokes via E-mail instead of in person.
Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.
This young couple was about to get married and the night before their wedding day they had a talk. They decided that the one thing that they never wanted to have a problem with was initiating sex in their marriage. To solve that problem they decided to come up with a code word to help break the ice when asking for sex. While they were trying to think of a word the washing machine went off balance and the husband says, I have an idea, why not use washing machine as the code word? So washing machine it was… A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed and she was reading and he was watching TV. The husband rolls over and says, Honey, Washing machine?, and she replies, Honey, not tonight, Ive got a huge headache, I promise well do it tomorrow night! So he says, Alright thats fine, Well do it tomorrow. They roll to their respective side of the bed and go to sleep. However, the wife cant sleep because shes thinking, gosh weve only been married 1 year so were still practically newlyweds maybe I should indulge him. She rolls over to her husband and whispers, Honey, are you still awake??, and he replies, Yeah, what do you want?. She says, Washing Machine?!?!?!? and he replies, Forget about it. It was a small load, I did it by hand.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What its too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasnt sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, Compared to what?
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, Im bigger than that.
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, Im bigger than that.
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, Im about that big.
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, Youre a medium.
A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.
Im so ashamed, Doctor, she said, I guess I let myself go.
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears.
Dont feel ashamed, Miss. You dont look that bad.
Do you really think so, Doctor?
she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.
If nobody uses it, theres a reason.
GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE AND waste and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet & passive persons unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself & heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys; know what to kiss & when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity & disillusionment & despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance. Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle & mutilate. Know yourself; if you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with persons closest to you—that lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth, birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan; & let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time call 555-4311; ask for Ken. Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese; & reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee. You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here, & whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back. Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive Him to be—Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, & urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. Give up.
— Tony Hendra
Net News – The Vatican has no gone on line with its own interactive website.
The site is said to offer meany great new features including a downloadable picture of Jesus Christ which will bounce around your screen after a preset length of time.
It has been christened the screen saviour……..
4 surgeons were in the doctors lounge talking.
The first one said, I like operating on librarians because when you open them up, their parts are alphebetized. The second one said, I prefer working on Accountants because you open them up, and everything is numbered. The third Surgeon said, I really like operating on mechanics because they understand if you have parts left over.
The Fourth said, I like working on Lawyers. everone else asked why?.
He said, You open them up, and you find they are spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangable!