On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. Im too young to die! she wails. Then she yells, Well, if Im going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??
For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. I can make you feel like a woman, he says. Hes gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
Iron this.
A snake and a rabbit met each other in the dark. What do you look like ?, the snake asked.
Ive got long ears, two big hind legs and a fluffy tail
Aha the snake said then you must be a rabbit
Yes, I am. What do you look like? the rabbit asked.
Im bald all over my body and Ive got no ears the snake said.
Aha the rabbit said, then you must be Niki Lauda
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinators Society) if they ever get it organized.
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, Sir, what are you doing!?! The man turned toward the teller and simply said Looking around.
3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest.
The next day the women all got together.
The first woman said, I drove my car into a ditch.
The second woman said, I blew chunks.
The third woman said, I burned down my house.
After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, I guess I won, and the second woman said, You dont understand, Chunks is my dog.
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was. He replied, Im too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and Im smarter than her to. The teacher took him to the principals office and explained the situation to the
principal.The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet.The teacher and Johnny both agreed.Principal: what is 3 x 3 Johnny: 9Principal: 6 x 6 Johnny: 36And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher I see no reason Johnny cant go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right. The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?
Johnny: LegsTeacher: What do you have in your pants that I dont have? The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, pocketsTeacher: What does a dog do that a man steps into? Johnny: PantsTeacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement? Johnny: FiretruckThe principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Holly!
Holly who?
Hollylujah!
Youve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
Youve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
Girl: Forgive me father for I have sinned.
Priest: What have you done my child?
Girl: I called a man a son of a bitch.
Priest: Why did you call him a son of a bitch?
Girl: Because he touched my hand.
Priest: Like this?
(as he touches her hand) Girl: Yes father.
Priest: Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.
Girl: Then he touched my breast.
Priest: Like this?
(as he touched her breast) Girl: Yes father.
Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
Girl: Then he took off my clothes, father.
Priest: Like this?
(as he takes off her clothes) Girl: Yes father.
Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
Girl: Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.
Priest: Like this?
(as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!! Priest: (after a few minutes): Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
Girl: But father he had AIDS! Priest: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
An ice fisherman was sitting with his line in a hole in the ice, but he wasnt having any luck. Two hours passed and not a nibble. A kid, maybe 7 or 8 years old approached, cut his own hole in the ice, and without a word, dropped his line and immediately began to pull in some of the largest fish the man had ever seen.
Flabbergasted, the man overcame his curiosity, and asked the lad: What was his secret?
The kid said, Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr… The man wasnt sure if the kid even spoke english, and repeated his question. Again the kid said,Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr…
0ne more time,son. What was it you said? The kid looks at the man, spits the contents of his mouth into the palm of his hand, and says: YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!