Old and New Jokes

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce. Mickey went out and got a really tough divorce lawyer to make sure Minnie doesnt get too much of Disney World.

In court, Mickeys attorney begins his argument- Minnie Mouse is crazy, insane… Mickey starts pulling on the lawyers coat and whispering. The attorney waves him away and continues, as I was saying, Minnie is mentally unstable… Mickey again begins interrupting the lawyer saying no wait! The lawyer responds, shut up youre not helping yourself any! and continues to the
court, Minnie is CRAZY… Mickey stands up and shouts I never said she was crazy! What I said
was SHE IS FUCKING GOOFY!

Un deportista salió a correr por el monte y, después de unos kilómetros, se puso a hacer flexiones como un loco contra el suelo. Cuando llevaba así un buen rato, acertó a pasar por allí un pastor que se fue acercando poco a poco sorprendido.

Al llegar junta a él, en una de las subidas y bajadas, le dio con el bastón en el culo y le dijo:

¡Pero para, chavaaal! ¡Que se te ha largao la moza!

Q: What do you get if put a blonde upside down?

A: A brunette with a bad breath.

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. Its $5. if you make your own bed.Guest: Ill make my own bed.Innkeeper: Good. Ill get you some nails and wood.

A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

– Ben Franklin

Heres an original (to my best knowledge) by Donald Simmons that was
posted to a kind of strange thread on ncsu.general…

[Note – posted with Andy Simmons permission. My thanks to him – ed.]

From: dasimmon@unity.ncsu.edu (Donald Andrew Simmons)
Subject: Re: Yoda Grammar

In article <4l01ke$ivr@taco.cc.ncsu.edu>,
Ravi K. Swamy <rkswamy@unity.ncsu.edu> wrote:
>
>>Ever wonder if there are others of Yodas race, and if they speak the
>>same way?
>
>Oh, the horror.

Imagine the yoda-men in the office, around the water cooler.

Yoda 1: Hello, Bill.
Yoda 2: Morning, Hank.
Yoda 1: Finish that proposal, you did?
Yoda 2: Yes, finally. Quite a chore, it was.
Yoda 1: That Henderson, he is a slave driver, eh?
Yoda 2: Yes. To kick his ass Id like. There is no try, only do.
Asshole he is.

A young man fell in a pit one day and found a magic lamp with a genie inside.The genie told him he would grant him three wishes. The mans first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF** He then wished for all the gold in the world. **POOF**The man could not think of anything for his third wish so he bought a Ferrari with some of his gold. As he was driving in his new car, he turned on the radio began to sing along with his favorite advertising jingle: Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener… **POOF**

I noticed Warren Christopher had to seek treatment for a bleeding ulcer while in Ottawa, Ontario, CANADA.

In a related development, Sen. Phil Gramm pledged that if hes president, his secretary of state will continue bleeding until he gets back to the US, rather than be coopted by the forces of SOCIALIZED MEDICINE.

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking on the beach. Justin said, "Hey Britney, look at that dead birdie!"Britney looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

Read the story before you look at the picture!

Motumbo was a Black African from Senegal who had recently moved to London. Mary
was the daughter of a typical high falutin English family. Milky white skin,
blonde hair, blue eyes, as proper as they come. Motumbo and Mary met at Covent
Gardens where Motumbo sold flowers and souvenirs.

After a month or so of dating, Mary decided to bring Motumbo home to meet her
parents. Daddy was the Lord of Stuckup, and was mortified when he saw Motumbo.
But he thought fast and told the African that if he wanted to continue to see
his daughter, he would have to get an education first. Not just any education
mind you… a Harvard education.

Motumbo replied, Motumbo love Mary… Motumbo go get edumacation!

Off Motumbo went to Harvard. He studied like a nutjob and came back after only 6
months with an MBA in finance!

Needless to say, the Lord of tuckupness was pretty pissed off. So he told
Motumbo that in order to continue to see his daughter, Motumbo would now need to
earn some money. Not just any money mind you… a Million Bucks.

To which Motumbo replied, Motumbo love Mary… Motumbo go get million bocks!

Off Motumbo went to Wall Street where he applied his Harvard education on the
NYSE and made a fortune! He was making a million a week.

So he went back to see Lord Snotty Face who was really fuckin pissed off now.
He told Motumbo the last condition he would have to meet in order to marry his
milky white daughter was to have a 12 penis. Motumbo was mortified. After all
he had done to convince her father.

He sat there and thought about it for a good ten minutes before he responded:

(Scroll down to see the image.)