Old and New Jokes

Heres one from the Emergency nurses association:

Be an organ donor … Unbuckle!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "Whats the problem, Eve?" God asks her. "Lord," she says, "I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above."Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples," she says."Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you," the good Lord tells her. "Whats a man, Lord?" she inquires. "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressivetendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time. But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.""Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.""Whats that, Lord?" she asks. "Youll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Q: Whats invisible and smells like carrots???
A: Bunny farts!

Ten civil servants standing in a line,

One of them was downsized – then there were nine.

Nine civil servants who must negotiate,

One joined the union – then there were eight.

Eight civil servants thought they were in heaven,

Til one of them was redeployed – then there were seven.

Seven civil servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,

But one was reclassified – then there were six.

Six civil servants trying to survive,

One of them was privatized – then there were five.

Five civil servants ready to give more,

But one golden handshake reduced them to four.

Four civil servants full of loyalty,

Their jobs were all advertised – then there were three.

Three civil servants under review,

One left on secondment – then there were two.

Two civil servants coping on the run,

One went on stress leave – then there was one.

The last civil servant agreed to relocate,

Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.

Dear [____rejectees name here_____], I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Ms. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s)

you were disqualified from the competition:



[Check all those that apply] ___ Your stomach is bigger than mine.



___ Your name is objectionable subjecting my future children to it could scar and yes, scare them for life.



___ Your inadvertent admission that you buy shoes by the truckload indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.



___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.



___ Your Putting on a few, arent you big boy? comment, given the 9 months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.



___ You failed the faithful check.



___ I find your inability to cook & clean my house extraordinarily unappealing.



___ The fact that you live with your Mother reveals an inherent psychological syndrome that I fear is unbreakable.



___ The phrase My Mother has popped up far too often in conversation.



___ You mention your ex-boyfriends name more than you mention mine.



___ Three words: looks do matter.



Sincerely, [Your name here]

Gerard Hommel was a French mountaineer. A good one. He had gone up and down Everest six times before he met his fate. And its his death for which well remember him best. He died after falling off a stepladder while changing a kitchen light bulb.

Marta Espina had got through 75 years of blameless life in Buenos Aires, never putting herself in the way of trouble, when a poodle fell from a 13th floor balcony and landed on her head. When the crowd which gathered to gawp grew too large, a spectator who stepped into the road to get a better view was killed by a passing bus.

Lupe Velez was a second-string film star and former wife of Johnny Weissmuller who went for the glam suicide option. Candles, purple sheets, the lot. However, the overdose she took disagreed violently with her stomache and she rushed to the toilet/bathroom to disgorge. There she tripped, knocked herself out, and was found the next day face-down in the porcelain bowl

This theme reminds me of the recent deaths in Egypt(?) where several people drowned when trying to rescue a chicken from a (deep) well. One person tried to get the chicken, got info difficulties, another attempted to assist… etc. The chicken survived and was eventually brought out unhurt.

Its wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

War doesnt determine whos right, just whos left

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isnt that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6-foot blonde walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.

Blonde: Sir, did you call for me?

New Man: No, I just got here.

Blonde: You must be new here, its a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me. The blonde lies down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.

Huge Man: Sir, did you call for me?

New Man: No, I just got here.

Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, and it implies you called for me. The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist…

New Man: Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500.

Receptionist: But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities….

New Man: (Rudely interrupting) Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.

Grays Law of Programming: n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as n tasks.