25
Aug

3 Blonde Shorties!

A blonde says to a brunette, Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.

The brunette says, Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.

——————

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.

The doctor examined her and said, You have acute appendicitis.

The blond yelled at the doctor…

I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!

——————

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.

The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blondes blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

Im trying to pop out this dent, but its not really working.

Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!

24
Aug

Q: How many Timothy McVeighs

Q: How many Timothy McVeighs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first you have to strip the insulation off of the electrical cord, wrap it around his legs a couple of times, then plug it in. If Mr. McVeigh is holding the light bulb at this time, it should glow quite nicely.

24
Aug

Q: How many terrorists does

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media.

24
Aug

Something Fishy

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.

The owner replied, Im sorry, maam, but Im blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, Ill recognize it and be of more help. So she did just that.

After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, Thats the Johnson Model

9400. Itll be $40.00.

The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said, Thatll be fifty dollars.

Fifty dollars?!?! the woman exclaimed. You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!

Yes, I did, said the owner, But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.

23
Aug

Cop-out number 1. You

Cop-out number 1. You should have seen it when I got it.

23
Aug

Landing at a hidden military base

Youve all heard of the Air Forces ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilots story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

23
Aug

Breaking the Law

A bank robber was running from the law. The police were on his tail and he had nowhere to go so he went into a church.

A priest started to talk to him and just as he was asking him why he stole the money the robber heard sirens. He shot the priest and moments later the police shot the robber.

Somehow there was a mix up; the robber went to heaven and the priest went to hell.

Luckily, they found the mistake and when they were changing places, they both met in the middle.

The priest said to him, I cant wait until I meet the Virgin Mary!

The robber said, Shes not a virgin anymore.

23
Aug

New virus list! Check your environment!

This thing Ive seen from a guy from MIT. Enjoy!

PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic microorganism.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:
Wont allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS:
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

THE MCI VIRUS:
Every three minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus.

TED TURNER VIRUS:
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. Itll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:
Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS 2:
Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just cant figyour out watt.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

GALLUP VIRUS:
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS:
Prints Oh no you dont whenever you choose Abort from the Abort, Retry, Fail message.

TEXAS VIRUS:
Makes sure that its bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS:
Hard to identifiy because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus wont harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
The computer locks up, screen splits eratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS:
Youre in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS:
Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS:
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:
Turns your printer into a document shredder.

NIKE VIRUS:
Just Does It!

SEARS VIRUS:
Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
Nobody can find it.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesnt allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS:
Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:
It starts by boldly stating, Read my test … no new files! on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congress Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS:
Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS:
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in self-defense.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS:
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

23
Aug

Alsheimers

There was an old lady in a retirement home who had a bad case of Alsheimers; sometimes she could barely remember anything. One day her eldest son came to visit her. Do you know my name? he asked.

She looked at him and replied, No, sonny, Im sorry, I sure dont.

Later that day he came back to see if her memory had improved. When she saw him she asked, Hello, sonny. Did you ever find out what your name was?

22
Aug

Banjo joke

Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
A: They make good paddles.