A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought how weird. A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders. As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her. What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes? The blonde looked up at the man and said, Well, you see, theres this little voice in my house that keeps on saying, Youve got mail, but when I come out here to check, I dont have any.
Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they are still in darkness.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jerrold!
Jerrold who?
Jerrold friend, thats who!
En que se diferencian las Mujeres Modernas de las Mujeres Clásicas.
– A las Mujeres Clásicas para verles el culo hay que apartar a un lado las bragas.
– A las Mujeres Modernas para verles las bragas hay que apartar a un lado el culo.
A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.
He muttered out loud, I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.
The clerk behind the counter said, Oh, yes sir, they do have an ex category, but theyre in Sporting Goods.
Really?
Yes sir…theyre called bullets!
A man should live forever…or die trying.
A short history of medicine: I have an ear ache.
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
I am placed in the door and told when to jump.
My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.
But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.
I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.
He quickly answered Oh, thats the easy part. Its when the dogs leash goes slack.
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, Look, I just made two people really happy. Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier. At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didnt dance a single step! So? asked the ducks former owner, did you remember to light the candle under the pot?