Old and New Jokes

He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the heel. Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted. He made several more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house. One day, an emergency came up and he needed a phone bad. Would you believe it, he couldnt find a single phone boot.

27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter

From Elaine Booslers cable special Party of One.

Theres this company that makes a shampoo called
Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific. I hope they dont
start making feminine hygiene products.

A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small
children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.)
The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice, washing
machine. The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired
and she said, Not tonight, dear; Im tired. He rolled away.

Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated Honey, washing machine.
She said, Ive got a headache.

He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned
to her husband and said, OK, washing machine.

He replied. Thats OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand.

About a month ago the President of the United States decided he had to get laid. Going to a high-class whorehouse, he found a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette waiting in the douwnstairs lounge.

Im the President of the United States, he said to the blonde. How much will it cost me to spend a little time with you?

Three hundred dollars. was her answer.

To the redhead he posed the same question. She replied, Five hundred dollars.

He made the same proposition to the brunette.

She replied, Mr. Preisdent, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, lower my panties as far as my wages, get your dick as hard as the times, keep it hard for as long as I have to wait in line at the store, keep me warmer than my apartment in the winter, and screw me like you do the public, believe me, Mr. President, it isnt going to cost you a dime!

Some humourous items from the Graffiti collections in rec.humor:
(Graffiti, and some things people have written underneath it.)

FREE NELSON MANDELLA
(with proof of purchase)

SAVE SOVIET JEWS!
WIN VALUABLE PRIZES

SAVE THE WHALES!
Collect the entire set

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud. Yes sir, its fresh ground.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in her kitchen, listening to her son play with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause were leaving.

The mother went in and told her son, we dont use that kind of language in this house. Now, go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of the room and resumed playing with the train. Soon, the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you who are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey. For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

1. The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.
3. Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole while keeping the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.
5. Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied.
7. Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.
10. If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.
11. It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.
12. Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.
13. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.

(from The Laugh Page Humor Archives)

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head
through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wifes face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an
accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found
that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of
my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its
way when it struck my front end.